A Brief History of Cheesetoastie’s Politician Ignoring Device

These days Humperdinck Cheesetoastie is often credited with the invention of the Spring-Loaded, Self-Adjusting Politician Ignoring Device. The app version of this technology has since become de rigour on all mobile technology from smartphones to the current most fashionable fondleslab. The app is usually pre-installed on the most of the available technology. This includes those top-of-the-range fashion items made by Apple right down to Tattijunk’s cheapest mobile phone. This cheap phone is little more than a standard mobile phone with three or four of what the company calls the most essential Apps. Of course, The Politician Ignoring app is one of those essentials.

Before the mobile revolution, Cheesetoastie’s device was an actual device carried on the person. The original device was three-feet square, opening out to a complete sound and vision proof cubicle. The user could deploy this cubicle whenever there was an imminent threat of a politician in their area and then hide themselves inside it until the all-clear sounded. This could protect its user from anything from a Prime Minister or national President on a walk about right down to the typical election poster or appearance in a radio or TV news segment by the offending politician.

Of course, the booth was a bit unwieldy and so most people who owned one did not often deploy it, or even carry it with them, despite the danger. Many preferred the risk of venturing out, or turning the TV on without taking the necessary precautions. Occasionally leaving the device behind even when the weather forecast had warned of a high probability of politicians appearing in the user’s locality. Despite this lack of use though, the device did sell well. Especially to parents worried that their children could be exposed to politics at university. Obviously, with the risk of the dire consequences that often follow even the briefest infection with this terrible and debilitating disease.

However, soon Cheesetoastie was utilising both ex-military stealth technology and the rapid development of mobile devices and their concomitant rapid growth in computer power to develop the mobile app.

As some technology critics have pointed out the app version of Cheesetoastie’s device does not ignore politicians as the old physical device did. Rather, using stealth technology, the app version makes the user invisible to the prowling politician. The app also replaces the politician’s voice – through which the disease of politics is often passed – with white noise. On the Pro version of the app, a user can replace the politician speak with a selection of the user’s favourite MP3s through a specially selected politics-proof playlist. Meanwhile, the mobile device uses its inbuilt cameras and unique reality adjusting software developed from photo editing software to repaint in real-time the surrounding world. It recreates the world with the politician – either in real life or on TV – airbrushed out, thus enabling the user to exist in a politician-free reality. Consequently, it almost completely immunises the user against any accidental possibility of a political infection.

Many users hope that as the use of this app continues it will go some way towards – perhaps finally – ridding this world of the curse of politics. Thus attenuating the debilitating effects politics has on those unfortunates it infects, often through no fault of their own.

Therefore Cheesetoastie himself strongly suggests that parents whose children are about to go off to university have this app installed on their phones before they leave home. As we all know, universities are often when the young and unprepared are exposed to the dangers of politics for the first time.

For, as we all know, it is better to be safe than sorry.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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