Eigenvalue’s Naughty Sexy Natural Logarithms

Cosine Eigenvalue is probably the UK’s leading erotic mathematician. Her last TV series Eigenvalue’s Naughty Sexy Natural Logarithms was the season’s surprise ratings success. Nearly 100 million people apparently watched the programme in the UK alone, which is – as Eigenvalue herself points out – odd, as there are nowhere near that many people in the UK.

As Eigenvalue herself said, in the opening programme of the series, since the universal adaptation of the calculator and the computer, people’s attitudes have changed. She says that now the UK population has grown out of using their book of log tables wherever the need arises. This, she contends, is a great shame as the inherent erotic possibilities of the book of log tables, was up until the electronic calculator came along, well known.

Many of the older generations will smile knowingly at each other when they come across an old discarded book of log tables. Recalling the times when they and a partner, or as some notorious tabloid headlines of the 1970s had it – several partners – gathered together around their book of log tables. Mainly for a bit of late-night sexual experimentation and exploration.

Obviously, of course, those with more than one partner would have to consult the tables of tangents, sines and cosines further on in the book later in the evening. Mainly should they need to employ the more advanced geometrical positions necessary for a group of three or more erotic adventurers achieve the most satisfaction from the encounter.

Not only that, of course, back in those days the more sexually adventurous could purchase, usually only by mail order, sexual aids such as a slide rule. Or, for those more geometrically advanced – as above – a protractor, set square and pair of compasses. These were often necessary for swinging sex parties and orgies, to make sure that all participants were involved. Sometimes advanced mathematical techniques were needed to make sure no-one was left outside the orgy room when the referee started play.

In some cases, accurate mathematical record keeping was vital for outdoor sex – should the British weather ever allow such a thing. Even a quick fumble on the patio can be hazardous in the UK, at least without duffle coats, wellies and probably a sou’ wester. Many sexologists claim that erotic bondage was invented in the UK in the 1980s during al fresco sex. They argue people attempting to have sex outdoors on a typical British Summer barbecue day had to lash themselves to the barbecue and the garden furniture. All to prevent themselves being blown away by the gales or washed away in the torrential downpour as they tried to salvage what erotic satisfaction they could from the evening.

Anyway, as Eigenvalue herself says, many people because of their poor maths skills are not getting as much as they could from their erotic encounters or even their ordinary day-to-day sex life. It does appear that even after the first episode of series Eigenvalue’s Naughty Sexy Natural Logarithms that many stationers and online bookshops all reported selling out of their stocks of Logarithmic and Other Tables booklets. People were, it seems, all eager to recapture some of that lost eroticism caused by today’s lifestyles and the ever-increasing amount of technology now seemingly dominating our lives.

However, perhaps ironically, even Eigenvalue herself seems to have admitted defeat with the announcement this week of a mobile phone app. An app that will provide all the necessary erotic logarithm and other tables at a swipe of the screen.

So perhaps even Eigenvalue must learn – like the rest of us – to move with the times.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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