Quickpint Parallelbars is probably the UK’s leading philosopher of modern cheeses. These days he is more concerned about the role that modern cheeses play in ethics. However, he first came to philosophical fame for his work at the University of Bilston (formerly the Bilston Public Baths). Most notably, for his ground-breaking research into the conjunction of theoretical and applied bacon studies. As we all know, bacon is one of the fundamental necessities for a universe. Along with the subatomic particles, the strong and weak nuclear forces, gravity and a nice cup of tea. However, his tenure recently ended as emeritus professor of Breakfasts at Harvard University. There he tried – many say without success – to reconcile bacon into a worldwide theory of breakfasts. This, he hoped, would place the Full English firmly as the archetypal breakfast. Or, as he put it, ‘the best possible breakfast in this best possible world of breakfasts.’
It was after this comparative failure that Parallelbars was seduced into the seductive world of top-flight celebrity philosophy. Of course, we have all seen how – even in the recent past – certain celebrities have attempted, sometimes even without the aid of a safety net, to think for themselves, often with disastrous results.
For example, the dire consequences of any celebrity’s attempts at political thought. Where, only too often, the celebrities in question far too often spectacularly make public arses of Themselves. Mainly when they try – and fail – to construct a credible philosophical outlook using merely their own brains and a short piece of string.
So, at a particularly Dionysian philosophical conference in California, it was decided that instead of the abject failure of celebrities attempting to become thinkers, then scholars should become celebrities.
Which was easier than most philosophers thought, as it mostly merely entailed eating tropical insects and dubious animal body parts live on mainstream TV.
Consequently, Parallelbars himself soon became a TV presenter with his seminal 47-part TV series Cheese in History. Then he became an official celebrity in his own right when he ate a giant cockroach’s left mandible in the fetid and wild Walsall jungle live on C5’s Celebrities Eating Yucky Things in a Jungle show. Thereby, scoring that programmes second-greatest viewing figures. He was beaten only by the episode where the Oxford Magdalen College Professor of Logical Positivism fell out of her bikini while masticating the stir-fried anus of a water buffalo.
Still, the celebrity status of Parallelbars has helped his work on the philosophy of cheese, especially the role of Red Leicester in the emancipation of the workers. Also, he has recently published what is now the seminal work on the moral culpability the West Midlands Serious Cheese squad in the fabrication of evidence against the so-called Sage-Derby 7. Parallelbars’ celebrity philosopher status has shown a sometimes sceptical population that philosophy is important. That it is not a superficial round of celebrity media events, anus-eating and wild orgiastic conferences and conventions, but that it can play a central role in modern life. This is especially so when philosophy concerns itself with the role of modern cheeses in contemporary life.
For, as Wittgenstein once said, ‘that cheese we cannot put on a cracker, must be eaten on its own.’ Moreover, as Parallelbars himself stated in a recent interview in the philosophically-prestigious Heat magazine, ‘all philosophy is, in the end, merely footnotes to a nice English Mature Cheddar.’