The Rise of Erotic Gardening

No-one was seriously expecting the rapid decline in DIY and gardening that recent societal changes have brought about. However, the fact remains that there are now a great deal of DIY and gardening tools, implements and accessories that remain unused. Often – up until now – left gathering dust in the tool sheds of this great nation.

That is until Petunia Mulchdibber and Stan Torquewrench came up with their latest idea for a combination of DIY, makeover and gardening programme. A series designed to fill the gaps in the TV schedules caused by the collapse of interest in these areas of home maintenance and improvement.

Of course, in previous decades it seemed that the TV schedules consisted of little else expect cooking, gardening, home improvement and other such programmes to the exclusion of almost anything else.

However, both Mulchdibber and Torquewrench were well aware that the people who used to watch these programmes were now immersing themselves in the internet instead.

So in a smart marketing and career-saving move they began to explore just what it was that was taking the audience away from the gardening and home improvement shows. At first, they tried making a programme about cute cats doing cute things. But although it ran for nearly a whole series it did not take off. Not only that, as some cynics suggested, there were not enough marketing tie-in opportunities for the programme.

However, the pair’s next venture was a stroke of genius. After all, erotic gardening and sexy home improvement makes use of many of the tools from those more staid pastimes. Especially those tools and devices marketed under Torquewrench’s and Mulchdibber’s own brands, even if not in a manner originally envisaged when the products first went to market.

Not only that, many of the UK’s home improvement retailers were on the verge of closing down and trying to offload their massive warehouse-sized out of town stores. They suddenly found their fortunes reversing right after the episode featuring Mulchdibber’s naked lawn mowing. The stores also reported increased sales following the episode where Torquewrench uses his impressive tool-wielding skills to satisfy several frustrated women. Mainly those women whose husbands, despite claiming an interest in DIY, had not used any of those skills to satiate their wives and girlfriends.

They also close each show with shots of the tearful and grateful wives and girlfriends. All completely overcome with gratitude for the way Torquewrench has used his tool skills to satisfy their needs. Many have suggested that those closing shots have made the programme such a hit with the women of all ages and demographics. Many of whom overwhelmingly agreed they would love to share a mid-DIY session tea break with Torquewrench to fondle his tool.

Many men too have credited Mulchdibber with reawakening their interest in going out in the garden. Especially as she insists that women gardeners get a much better sense of their horticultural surroundings if they do the weeding in the nude. Many of those men have since claimed they had never seen as much of their female neighbours out in the adjoining gardens of their street as they do now. Consequently, they feel much more refreshed by the experience and the urgent need to do some open-air DIY it has brought out in them.

This programme could be the rating success Mulchdibber and Torquewrench needed to save their TV careers, as well as the much-needed fillip that the UK’s DIY superstore chains required to rescue them too.

So, all in all, then, it is a win for everyone.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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