Spotweld Trundlebiscuit and Food Activism

Spotweld Trundlebiscuit is probably the world’s best-known Anti-Salad activist. For over two decades now Trundlebiscuit and his many supporters, followers and admirers have waged a campaign against what they see as humankind’s war on meat. Trundlebiscuit has long claimed that it is unnatural for human beings to eat vegetables and that doing so only causes massive harm, not only to the individual but also to society.

‘After all,’ he said, in a recent interview, ‘there is an obvious and strong correlation between people eating plants and them sitting around in herds bleating at each other.’

At a recent £2000 a head steak and steak dinner held to raise funds for his campaign, Trundlebiscuit vowed to work hard to lobby governments and other international organisations. He called on them to ban the cruel and unnecessary growing of crops on land that could be used to support domesticated animals. He also published recent research undertaken by his own Carnivores United Research Institute (CURI) that showed the bacon sandwich was directly responsible for most of the world’s greatest scientists, technologists and inventors. ‘Their intake of bacon enabled them all to come up with the advances that have propelled society forward into its current levels of wealth, health and happiness,’ he claimed.

As Trundlebiscuit pointed out in another recent speech, ‘it is no accident that the poorest, most malnourished, short-lived and materially destitute peoples in the world live on a plant-based diet. He claims they often exist mainly on a level of crop-based subsistence level farming. ‘Once people like that get rich enough to eat meat,’ he said ‘the general level of their societies increases by leaps and bounds.’

‘It is the lentils that are keeping the poor poor,’ he claimed.

Of course, even Trundlebiscuit even at his most zealous denies that there is no place for plants in the diet. ‘Obviously you need a few vegetables on the plate. Even if the vegetables are there only to make the meat look even more appetising in comparison to the lettuce and… that other stuff. Perhaps even a few peas to chase around the plate or something.’

‘I’m no wide-eyed zealot,’ he claims. ‘After all, even the best bacon sandwich needs some bread. Although, in an ideal world the bread would be made from some other part of the pig.’

Recently, however, Trundlebiscuit has stepped up his campaign against what he and his supporters claim is ‘the pernicious spread of the salad’. The CURI sympathisers claiming that, under the false flag of health-consciousness, militant vegetarians and vegans are spreading surreptitious anti-meat propaganda. ‘I’ve even seen sprouts appearing in school meals,’ Trundlebiscuit insisted. ‘And we all know how much children hate vegetables, and often with good reason. We should listen to the children; they know – instinctively – what is a healthy diet. Children do not let adult concerns like the so-called balanced diet interfere with what they know their bodies really crave.’

Trundlebiscuit insists that the arable farming industry and its acolytes duped adults into believing the ‘vegetablist lies and propaganda’. He believes the arable farming industry has spread the false message that human beings need to eat non-meat products. This is a result, Trundlebiscuit claims, of what he calls ‘other bogus so-called science’. He calls this vegetarian propaganda ‘a pseudo-science that has corrupted the human race’s natural need to eat as much meat as they can stuff into their faces.’

As Trundlebiscuit himself so often says, ‘Meat is freedom and freedom is meat.’

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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