UK Population to be Phased Out

Pendulous Toadmembranes is the judge charged with leading a Public Inquiry requested by the British Prime Minister. It will be an inquiry into why the British general public are not quite as grateful to the great and good of this land as that great and good feel is their due. Many of those at the top in politics, the media, business and what they like to think is public service are disappointed with the UK population. Many of them are under the impression that the UK population as a whole is not as in awe of them as they think we should be.

After all, many if these people have some of the most lavish expense accounts, generous salaries, fringe benefits and share options available. All of which mean that ordinary people are kept as well away from them as possible. And yet this self-styled great and good feel the population as a whole do not appreciate the effort they put into taking and spending as much of our money as they do. Often they will selfishly spend our money on lavish conferences and conventions in exotically expensive locations just to help each other discover better ways of spending our money on themselves.

Consequently, after his latest international intergovernmental conference was so blatantly ignored by the people back home, the British Prime Minister proclaimed that he was setting up an inquiry. This Public Inquiry, chaired by Toadmembranes, will attempt to discover why the British people were so unimpressed by what the PM himself called, ‘some of my greatest, and wealthiest, chums.’

Some have pointed out that spending other people’s money on themselves and their pet projects is not a good way for the self-proclaimed great and good to go about earning the trust and respect of the ordinary people. But as the cabinet member responsible for international aid said, ‘if we don’t spend all this money we get from hard-working families, what should we do with it? You can’t possibly be suggesting we give it back to them. They’d only spend it on feeding themselves, or heating their homes or something. After all, we do have EU-mandated targets to meet on CO2 reduction and obesity control. If we let people spend their own money on what they want, we in government could end up having nothing to do.’

In an initial report, Toadmembranes concluded that the UK population is not really up to the job of providing sufficient support to the upper echelons of society. ‘In my great-grandfather’s day and before of course, we had servants, serfs and so forth,’ he said. ‘Back then, it was easy to make a population work for their betters and to feel grateful for the privilege. Quite simply these days the ordinary people have lost all concept of their place in society. Therefore, I am suggesting that the majority of the UK population be phased out completely. In time, we hope to replace them with androids, robots and other intelligent servants, machines and devices. Intelligent machines that will, of course, provide us with the service and support we are convinced is rightfully ours.’

However, critics have pointed out that the robots, androids and other service machines will have to pay some sort of taxes. These taxes will keep the upper echelons of the society in the manner to which they have become accustomed. These critics point out that if the mechanical servant class then become self-aware the great and good could have a robot revolution on their hands.

However, Toadmembranes dismissed these criticisms, pointing out that the general UK population had been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years, ‘and they have yet to become self-aware.’


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

2 thoughts on “UK Population to be Phased Out

  1. ” the UK population is not really up to the job of providing sufficient support to the upper echelons of society”

    Let me know how the experiment goes. Fascinating thought!

    Especially that last line.


    1. I will do, if I return to it.

      Thanks for your help in discovering that my comments settings were wrong, by the way. I doubt if I would have ever noticed otherwise.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create your website with
Get started
%d bloggers like this: