Quantum Knitting and Yarn Theory

Distaff Funbundle is the theoretical physicist most famous for the variation on String Theory known as the Knitting Interpretation. Funbundle claimed at a Quantum Knitting conference in Welshpool back in the late 1990s that the conventional String Theory put forward by some physicist was fundamentally flawed. Mainly because, she said, the universe isn’t tied together with quantum strings, but is, as she put it, ‘knitted together out of woollen yarn’.

Of course, many theoretical physicists and applied knitters took issue with this, but Funbundle had a persuasive set of equations in her presentation. These equations showed that the universe can be reduced at a quantum level to a series of equations that more than resemble a knitting pattern.

‘What is a black hole?’ Funbundle said in a famous quote from her presentation, ‘other than a dropped stitch?’ She also went on to show that to knit one, purl one, knit one, is enough at a quantum yarn level to make a nice scarf. But also to ultimately lead to the formation of protostars,  then planets and solar systems.

‘Anyone who knits, who also has a cat,’ Funbundle said later, ‘can see the resemblance between a spiral galaxy and a ball of wool unravelled by a cat chasing it across the floor. After all, what are planets and stars, other than balls of cosmic yarn?’

Funbundle’s Yarn Theory has solved many other puzzles about the ultimate nature of matter. This includes the mysterious problem of Dark Matter and Dark energy. Dark Matter is simply one of those balls of wool that the cat has knocked under the cosmic furniture, which is unreachable even if you use your longest knitting needle to grab for it.

Much of Funbundle’s Yarn Theory is plausible to the majority of physicists these days. Furthermore, laboratory experiments and astronomical observations have borne out some of its predictions. Unfortunately, though, there are still some physicists – and a few quantum knitters – still sceptical about the entire theory.

As Einstein himself once said, ‘I do not believe that God does knitting.’ This has led to many theologians of various creeds all claiming that Yarn Theory means there must be a cosmic knitter. At least someone to wield the cosmic knitting needles following a pattern laid down by the Supreme Knitter. However, as Funbundle herself has pointed out many times, the long timespan of the universe means that through the natural attraction that yarn has for other yarn means that order can spontaneously emerge from the chaos. ‘As any knitter knows,’ Funbundle said in a reply to the theological interpretations of her theory. ‘If you put separate balls of wool down for any length of time they will eventually become entangled.’

However, her critics argue, this does not explain how structures like stars, planets, solar systems and galaxies can form naturally. Even through the strong and weak yarn forces that Funbundle proposes in her theory.

Although, recent experiments at the Large Knitting Needle Collider at CERN in Switzerland have managed to produce some evidence supporting Funbundle’s theories. There, yarns at near light speed are forced into interaction with cosmic knitting needles. This, the physicists say, will spontaneously knit larger structures. These latest experiments do produce some evidence that Funbundle’s Yarn Theory could be true after all.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

2 thoughts on “Quantum Knitting and Yarn Theory

  1. I knew there were reasons for two odd things in my life: being a PhD in plasma physics, and having learned to knit in prep school (the sweaters were ultimately too big, so the boyfriend got them – haven’t seen them since).

    This is why we need lots more women in physics. And probably sailors, too – sailors knit, don’t they?

    And we can knit up the ravell’d sleeve of care while we’re at it, and stop the nightmares.

    All around useful.


    1. My younger daughter is a physics graduate and also knits – which is probably where the idea germinated. Also, my other daughter is a chemistry graduate, so between the three of us we came up with the periodic table of biscuits which is in one of the other pieces on this blog somewhere.


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