The Hollywood Kick-Ass Heroine

Hedgetrimmer Goatsanctum is probably the Hollywood actress best known for her kick-ass roles these days. She was, of course, the star of the phenomenal box office hit film franchise, Very Naughty Alien Nasty Killer Death Beast I-XXIX. One of a series of films that have taken more at the box office than the combined government debt of nearly all the countries in the Euro. Therefore, a very significant sum indeed.

However, of late a certain number of charities, especially those that run donkey sanctuaries, but also other more general equine charities, have publicly wondered if these sorts of films are sending the wrong message.

The UK’s leading donkey charity Distressed Donkeys in Heart-Rending Adverts recently expressed concern about this film genre. A spokesperson for the charity said, ‘as we all know these days in TV, film, books, computer games and every other sort of art or entertainment story, stars, plot,  or even the most essential CGI sequences does not matter. What matters is only the message that a work sends out and most importantly that that message is the right one. ‘

Hetty Durkheim, a leading academic in the social sciences at Chipping Sodbury University, explained this in a radio interview recently. ‘After all, we don’t want people leaving say a film about slavery thinking about picking up a household slave on EBay, do we? Because we all know that will happen. They will attempt it unless something like slavery or other such evils and horrors of history are explicitly condemned. They must be shown to be a very bad thing indeed. Otherwise, as we cleverer people know only too well, ordinary people these days will blindly follow whatever the media tells them to do.’

This is why the leading equine charities, especially in the UK, which had a long history of opposition to animal cruelty, are so concerned. As the DDHRA spokesbeing said. ‘We are worried about the number and the frequency of the ass-kicking that take place in Goatsanctum’s films. But not only that, there are far too many assophobic actions and comments in so many other films, books, computer games, TV programmes and so forth. Quite simply, you have to ask just why they have to kick so many donkeys, mules, asses, horses and even in Very Naughty Alien Nast Killer Death Beast XIV, a zebra. After all, the ass-kicking and even the donkey punching does at times seem rather gratuitous. Although some critics claim it is an integral part of the plot.’

However, fans of the ass-kicking genre across all mediums have hit back. Many say that the right to kick asses, donkey and horse is a fundamental human freedom. Not only is an integral part of the US Constitution, it was also a sub-clause in the footnotes of the Magna Carta. So, they argue, it is an essential freedom that forms one of the fundamentals of any concept of human rights.

After all, as many ass-kickers, as they call themselves, often like to point out that there is no evidence that the action causes any equine distress. They say that most asses, donkeys, or even horses – apart from shire horses of course – do enjoy the occasional boot to the rear of the body.

However, this contention is not only opposed by the opponents of ass-kicking itself, but many scientists, leading philosophers, and several leading celebrities. That list of celebrities includes many film actors considered too old or otherwise unsuitable for the rather lucrative ass-kicking roles now available.

However, only time will tell if ass-kicking is indeed here to stay or whether it too will die out as humankind’s moral outlook changes with the times.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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