Pendulous Stoatdangler is the most famous internet debater in the world. This year he again won – for the tenth consecutive year – the Internet Mass Debater of the Year Award. Although the award ceremony was once again – as it was two years ago – held up while Stoatdangler exchanges angry emails with the prize-winning judges and the organising committee. This exchange concerned his demands that the trophy should be several times larger than it actually is in order fully to recognise the scale of his achievement.
After only seventy-two hours and exchanging 300 emails with Stoatdangler, some of which were several thousand words long and containing at least 47 links to related arguments and evidence supporting his position, the committee at last conceded that he could indeed have a point. However, they did rather tentatively mention that since the audience had already arrived in the auditorium and that the world’s media was all ready and waiting, it was – perhaps – a bit too late to change things for this year.
After a mercifully brief exchange of views on the subject on the several web forums devoted to Mass Debating, Stoatdangler decided to accept the committee’s argument. However, this was with the proviso that they should look into the matter for next year’s trophy.
Stoatdangler fully expects to win the Internet Mass Debater of the Year Award again next year, of course. Especially now his greatest Internet Mass Debating rival Spleen Turgidwarbler died recently. Turgidwarbler tragically threw himself from the very peak of his comic collection to his death several stories below only last week. This tragedy happened directly after someone on a US politics forum pointed out Turgidwarbler had accidently – or deliberately – omitted a semicolon on line 238965 of his closely argue screed. This screed, Turgidwarbler, proving – he believed definitely – that the current presidential contenders were not alien space lizards working undercover on behalf of the galactic federation, but were, far more dangerously, just yet more mediocre career politicians.
Many people interested in Internet Mass Debating were quite surprised early this year when Stoatdangler issued a 2 000 000 word brief press release explaining why he had decided to move away from political debate on the internet. As he said in line 1 987 989 of the above press release, ‘I feel that I have proved my point, put everyone in the world right, and so now politics is settled. Now I can move on to other areas of mass debate in the online community. There I can give them the benefit of my wisdom, experience and understanding.
Strangely, after this announcement the Internet experienced its quietest period for years, with only the exchange of cute cat pictures on the various social media platforms seemingly unaffected by the marked downturn in activity. Someone – under an assumed name and from a disposable email address – did tentatively claim this was because everyone was too scared to post anything in case Stoatdangler came across it and decided to respond. But the Internet Mass Debating community dismissed the idea as scaremongering. They questioned why anyone would want to go online and not have even their most casual of their off the cuff utterances forensically examined and found wanting by the legions of fanatical mass debaters who patrol its every forum, comment section and groups looking for those who so badly need to be put right.
As Stoatdangler himself said in his 23-hour acceptance speech at the Internet Mass Debater of the Year Award ceremony, ‘I regard what I do as a public service.’