Anthracite Rinsecycle is probably the UK’s leading Alien Phenomena Investigator. For a long time now, there have been many conspiracy looni… theorists who have claimed that the Earth has already been invaded by alien beings from other worlds who have secretly taken over the world’s governments and are now using them for their own ends.
As any cursory glance at the species of being we call politicians does suggest, this idea is not without some initial plausibility. Although, the whole conspiracy does fall apart somewhat when people realise that although politicians may have many features that suggest they are entirely an alien species there remains one insurmountable problem. This is the problem that if the politicians that rule us are indeed aliens, then why is they so bad at it?
After all, if an alien species can get its act together enough to travel the vast interstellar distance, invade a world undetected by the mass of its population and then begin to rule that planet, then why are they so crap at the last part?
After all, the only universal common denominator amongst politicians is how bad they all are at this running things business. Which does make the whole notion of galactic conquest a bit of a non-starter. That is unless they are in it for the alien star fleet uniforms.
However, Rinsecycle does have an alternate view. This, he believes, explains why politics has taken such a hold on humans, who would otherwise be an intelligent species. Many astronomers and cosmologists now believe that life could have arrived on Earth from impact with a comet, perhaps something at a bacterial or virus level of evolution.
Rinsecycle takes this idea a bit further. He now contends that there was a second comet impact further along the evolutionary timescale, perhaps at the time of the first humans or proto-humans. This, he believes, introduced the virus of politics into the human population. Thus inflicting this dread disease on the human race, which it has since then struggled to control or – sometimes – even eradicate the political virus.
Most people are of course immune to politics, treating the whole business as something rather distasteful, if not shameful. The sort of activity that took place between adults of a particular inclination in (what used to be smoke-filled) closed rooms.
However, there are just enough people susceptible to the disease to enable it to continue, despite most people’s natural unwillingness to breed with politicians. No matter how much politicians are isolated in their parliaments, governments, councils and other political institutions, enough of them escape into the wild to maintain a steady population.
This is why Rinsecycle contends that the political virus must be classed as one of the most successful lifeforms on the planet. For despite millennia, and despite the human race’s success at controlling or even eradicating other diseases, bacteria and viruses, politics still exists. In places like the UN and the EU, as well as national and local governments, the political virus continues to thrive.
‘After all,’ as Rinsecycle said, ‘maybe the conspiracy looni… theorists are right after all. Perhaps we have been conquered by an alien race.’ However, he does go on to point our that far from being a race of super-intelligent beings, this alien invader is not all that bright, which maybe also explains why the politicians are the way they are too.