Totaltool’s Sensual Eating

Humperdink Totaltool first became interested in the art of erotic foodstuffs – as many of us do – in the later teenage years.

Of course, many of us almost instinctively understand the sensual delights of the lemon meringue or sherry trifle in those first few post-pubescent years. But for Totaltool it was very different. Up until then, he was an avid collector of the Panini stickers that obsessed most boys of the era. However, Totaltool concentrated on that season’s UK Politicians Collection. He spent that year’s entire political season making sure he had full sets of both the Government and Opposition benches in his sticker book. He also had an almost complete set of the EU parliament stickers. He was eagerly awaiting the next year’s UK local council election special edition. The adverts for this collection promised to have stickers featuring the contenders for every council seat in the country.

However, as he said himself, ‘one morning I just woke up thinking about radishes.’

At first, he satisfied these early primal urges with surreptitious glimpses of the vegetable section in his grandfather’s rather well-thumbed seed catalogue on Totaltool’s visits to the older man’s allotment shed.

Soon, however, as for most sexually curious teenagers, the vegetable photos were not enough.

Although his parents considered him too young for it, Totaltool began to watch TV cooking programmes. Thus through this erotic experience he expanded his nascent erotic horizons beyond vegetables into other foodstuffs.

‘I remember,’ he once said, ‘having to watch Fanny Cradock making a paella with a cushion on my lap. I was blushing furiously when my father leant suggestively over to my mother to ask her if she fancied some long-grained rice later that evening.’

Soon, though, as a not too unattractive teenager, Totaltool was invited around the back of the bike sheds by a girl. She offered to share her strawberry yogurt with him, one break time.

Of course, these days, now with his own erotic cookery TV series, books, range of kitchen utensils and sex aids, Totaltool is now very much the celebrity. No suburban sexy swingers party is complete without at some point in the evening, the hostess bringing out a Totaltool endorsed fondue set. Or, at least, offering her version of Totaltool‘s courgette surprise to all and sundry.

It is mainly through Totaltool’s urgings that the British erotic food palate has widened so much in recent decades. Up until the 1970s, of course, erotic food evenings were mostly unknown in Britain. Most saw them as a continental distraction. To the ordinary Britons of the time, there was nothing wrong with a married couple – once a week – or even less, settling down to share a plate of plain sausage and mash once the kids were in bed and the two TV channels had closed down for the evening.

Very few men, even in the swinging sixties had ever, say, dipped their baguette in extra virgin olive oil for an airline stewardess. Let alone had any of the women let men taste her honey-coated thighs.

However, these days – mainly thanks to Totaltool and his demonstration of the erotic uses of shallots – British erotic foodstuffs have gone from strength to strength. There will be many couple tonight, smearing each other with Totaltool’s special sauce, whose sex lives have been enriched beyond measure thanks to this man.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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