Rights for Vegetables Now!

Pindrop Weaselpanties first came to public attention when he began espousing Human Rights for Vegetables. Not only did he believe that all living animals should have the same rights as humans in law, he also argued that it was the right of every plant too to stand for election. As he successfully argued in the European Court of Human Rights, if we can elect MPs, MEPs and other politicians to office then it seems only fair to extend that right to other vegetables too.

‘After all,’ as he said in his closing remarks to the Court, ‘who here can really tell the difference between a British Member of Parliament and a turnip?’

It was – inevitably – an argument that the Court had no answer for.

Consequently, the EU passed the appropriate laws. This means that in the next EU-wide elections, voters will not only have the chance to vote for the usual bunch of… cu… candidates. This time due to earlier Animal Rights legislation, they will have the opportunity to vote for a broad range of animals: including sheep, goats, pigs, and in one constituency, a slug.

Also, after Weaselpanties intervention they will also be able to cast their votes for several dandelions, an oak tree and a field of early season strawberries.

Weaselpanties himself regards this as a significant step forward towards genuine democracy. However, many seasoned political commentators feel it could damage representative democracy. Nonetheless, various opinion polls have shown that the European public feel such a move will have little or no apparent difference in the way the EU is run. As one German voter said, ‘the only difference I can see is that they will be getting compost on expenses.’

However, despite this victory, like all activists, Weaselpanties is still not satisfied. After he won in the European Court, he was soon busy trying to discover some new perceived injustice. As he pointed out, recently, all atoms and the particles that make them up are all capable of existing in a human body. In many other cases, atoms that now make up other substance could easily have once been human. ‘Therefore,’ Weaselpanties claims, ‘to deny those atoms their human rights is clearly a breach of any sensible human rights law.’

Although, some, including many scientists, argue that it is Weaselpanties himself who is in violation not only of the laws of physics but also common sense and an adequate understanding of reality. However, as many people have pointed out, such attitudes have not barred others undergoing similar struggles with the real and the actual in the past.

Consequently, Weaselpanties has garnered an enormous amount of support on various social media platforms for his views. Not only that, several celebrities, including world-famous film and music stars have all joined in his campaign to give all subatomic particles the vote and full human rights. Soon, it seems that because of the weight of celebrity endorsement behind his campaign, despite its shaky scientific credibility and complete pointlessness, it will soon become law. Not only will it become law in the EU where utterly stupid laws are common, but throughout the rest of the world, and if Weaselpanties has his way, throughout the entire universe.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

2 thoughts on “Rights for Vegetables Now!

    1. Radishes have rights too.

      Especially the crunchy ones.

      In the future people – and vegetables – will look back in disbelief at how this ages denied salads their fundamental political rights.


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