Pigeonhat Goatannoyer is credited with developing the first sustainable energy source that actually works, and is environmentally less damaging than the rotating bird slaughterers that once littered our countryside until a stiff breeze knocked them all over.
Of course, for many years, scientists have seen how much energy is wasted on politics. As they became more environmentally aware, they realised the danger that unfettered politics can have on the natural environment as well as the human world.
As we all know, there are two natural states of politics. The first is talking about stuff. The second is buggering stuff up. While the first is – at first sight – far less damaging to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness than the latter, scientists have grown increasingly concerned about the sheer waste of time and energy it results in.
Of course, people usually only become involved in politics when they are found to be of no use at anything else. Over time, societies have evolved parliaments, local councils, quangos, fake charities, public inquiries and other such ways of keeping those with terminal cases of politics off the streets, away from normal people. Places where the politicians can do all the talking they like, hopefully with as little effect as possible on the real world the rest of us live in.
However, as many scientists and other sensible people have pointed out, politicians do not operate in a vacuum. Even though putting a politician in a vacuum would have the double benefit of making their speeches inaudible and it would also make those speeches much shorter. Politicians do – no matter how much we try to stop them – have a tendency to find things in the real world they feel are not working correctly and then set about buggering them up even more.
Many scientists argue that it is an inviolable law of nature, that should be put alongside the other three laws of thermodynamics, that politics can only ever make things worse, never better.
However, Professor Goatannoyer believes that the energy spent on politics need no longer be wasted. He believes that the various parliaments, congresses, council chambers, EU and UN buildings and other places around the world should be turned into power generation plants. After all, we all know the amount of hot air produced in these buildings is quite considerable.
Professor Goatannoyer has calculated that the hot air produced in the various government buildings in the UK alone is enough to power seven medium-sized cities 24 hours a day for 365 days of the year. Not only that, with their own parliaments, both Scotland and Wales could be self-sufficient in power generation through this method alone. Scotland, Goatannoyer calculates, could even produce an excess of energy from this process, especially whenever an independence referendum is imminent.
Professor Goatannoyer believes there is another significant advantage to the system he proposes. He feels for his system of turbine halls in government buildings to work at maximum efficiency they should be completely closed systems. That means that once a politician enters the building, he or she should not be allowed to leave until all their politics is exhausted. This solves two additional significant problems. The first and most obvious is that if all the politics is used up from a politician, then there is no risk of any politics leaking out into the rest of the world and causing untold environmental damage. Furthermore, Goatannoyer adds, that if the politicians are contained, then there is a much-reduced chance of them getting their hands on anything in the outside world and bugger it up for the rest of us.
For that last reason alone, professor Goatannoyer’s system is well worth further investigation.