Rhomboid Dietaryrequirements is probably the UK’s leading celebrity chef. His TV programme, Dietaryrequirements Cooks a Bit of Dinner is probably the most popular non-naked cookery programme on the television these days.
Recently he produced a state banquet for the Queen and several European heads of state to celebrate the invention of the spoon. For that regal affair, Dietaryrequirements produced a version of what has become his signature dish, egg and chips with a jus of brown sauce.
Of course, the heads of state who had never experienced this culinary delight before were amazed at the complexity of the meal. Especially as the Belgium president claimed later, ‘the chips were nothing like I have ever tasted in my own country’. Meanwhile, the German Chancellor declared that brown sauce was probably the greatest contribution that the British Isles had made to world civilisation.
Obviously, the egg and chips was accompanied by several side dishes. The guests at the meal were offered a choice of baked beans, fried mushrooms, grilled tomato and several other exotic delicacies. The French president himself was very generous in his praise of his serving of Thick-Sliced White, thick with butter. ‘I couldn’t believe it when they told me it was bread,’ he claimed.
Of course, the meal did have a starter, with Dietaryrequirements personally opening several cans of the Cream of Tomato soup himself. This was served with some of the finest supermarket bread rolls on the market, each lovingly defrosted by the chef himself.
‘For the desert course, I needed something special,’ Dietaryrequirements claimed. He did think about opening a tin of Fruit Cocktail in Syrup, ‘but I thought severing that with evaporated milk may be a bit too exotic for some of the more staid continental diners… maybe next time,’ he said.
The Queen herself had requested lime jelly and ice cream for desert and so Dietaryrequirements had to acquiesce to her wishes. ‘I quite fancied doing a trifle,’ but by the time I was ready to prepare it, the royal corgis had drunk all the sherry,’ he said. ‘So lime jelly and ice cream it was.’
After this excellent meal, the royal couple and their guests retired from the dining room. They were then offered pints of beer and pork scratchings while they settled down for a night in front of the telly. For once, as diplomatic protocol suggests, the Queen handed over control of the remote control to the longest serving head of state, other than herself.
The Dutch Prime Minister, it is said, selected the football – a live FA Cup second round replay between two teams no-one in the room had heard of. Despite some mild protest from Spanish premier, who wanted to catch up with Coronation Street, the rest of the party accepted the Dutch leader’s decision. However, Prince Philip, in his only faux pas of the evening, did place a bet with the Portuguese First Lady that the non-league team would, as he put it ‘thrash the bollocks off that other side’. The First Lady accepted the bet, the details of which have not been released to the press as yet. However, later that evening, the Portuguese First Lady was seen in the corridor outside the prince’s private rooms in a state of undress, looking both shocked and bewildered.
All in all then, the state banquet provided by Dietaryrequirements was an outstanding success. Consequently, he has been promised a return visit a soon as another state occasion arises that is prestigious enough for his superb talents.