Splashguard Toadundergarments was, until his unfortunate accident, the UK’s leading underwater diversity co-ordinator. As we all know, it is the dedicated work of this country’s selfless diversity co-ordinators that has made this country into what it is now. They have worked hard and selflessly to ensure that people not matter what race, creed, background, ethnicity, sexual preference or even those with a desire to wear socks with sandals have diversity thrust upon them.
Of course, many people would say that diversity is something that can happen anyway, like so many other things, without micromanagement by government or its agencies. However, defenders of the diversity industry claim that the role of government at local, national and supranational level is to bugger people about as much as possible. The more unnecessary that buggering about the more essential that government or its agencies see themselves, as the mere existence of the EU so clearly demonstrates.
It is a central tenet of modern political theory that rather than leaving people to live their own lives and to sort things out between themselves, it is government’s job to get in the way as much as possible and to interfere as much as they can. For without governmental interference in the day-to-day minutiae of the ordinary citizen lives by the government, who knows what people might take it into their minds to do. They could even come to the conclusion that a life without government interference is somehow better than being constantly nagged, hectored, taxed, forcibly compelled, and generally irritated and buggered about by people who seem to think they know what is best for everyone.
However, once they felt that they had buggered people about on dry land to the point of exasperation, the diversity industry had to look elsewhere. Consequently, the UK’s leading diversity co-ordinators, including Toadundergarments, decided that there were certain stretches of water both inland and in the UK’s territorial waters, where there was very little in the way of diversity monitoring. Some were especially concerned that certain species of fish in the sea were victimising and bullying plankton, some of which was a recent immigrant to the British coastal waters.
There was also increasing concern that some ducks and other waterfowl were conducting what looked like co-ordinated attempts to remove certain fish from rivers and even some evidence that gangs of swans were threatening people who invaded their territories with physical harm. Several cases of swans breaking people’s arms were brought to the attention of Toadundergarments himself and he vowed personally to take on the swan gangs.
Of course, many other diversity co-ordinators warned him that the swans had some kind of establishment connections. There were rumours of a cover-up at the highest level of government and society about the number of people who had been intimidated by the swans.
Toadundergarments though was a brave man.
However, the police are baffled as to how he ended up drowned in an inverted shopping trolley in the Manchester to Liverpool canal three months ago. Although, there are some who say that his post-mortem – hushed up under the Official Secrets Act – revealed that both his arms had been broken and there were suspicious-looking corgi bites to both his ankles.