The Budgiedeath Concacinatoron

Sump Budgiedeath is best remembered these days as the inventor of that thing in the kitchen drawer. The one that no-one can remember what it is used for, or even why it was bought in the first place. Occasionally, people will, while searching for something else in that drawer, come across Budgiedeath’s thing and spend a few moments contemplating it.

Sometimes, the more adventurous will take it out of the drawer and try to understand what it is used for and if it needed any other attachments to make it… well, to make it do whatever it is it is supposed to do.

Then they will put it in the drawer again and forget all about it until the next time they come across it again. Every now and then, some of the more enlightened seekers after a thing in the kitchen will wonder why they still keep it and whether it would make more sense to throw it away.

But, of course, they never do throw it away.

After all, who knows? One day they may need to do… well, whatever it is the device is meant to do. Then they would discover they have thrown it away and need to buy a new one.

The latter, of course, is why Budgiedeath died a very wealthy man. Not only did everyone in the country want one of his devices when the TV adverts pointed out just how it would make their lives so much easier, most of them almost immediately forgot what it was that the Budgiedeath Concacinatoron does. Most experts agree that the device does look a lot like the tools used by the Spanish Inquisition to put its captives to the question. But the same experts do not see the need for such a device in the modern kitchen. Even a modern kitchen with an over-fussy teenager trying to decide what she likes and dislikes that week has little need of such devices.

Recently, the device was investigated by some of the world’s leading theoretical physicists and design technologists. Most of the investigators agreed the device might have something to do with garlic cloves, but what it does to those cloves, and why, is still a hotly-debated subject.

Also, many TV advert historians have searched in vain for the original adverts for the Budgiedeath Concacinatoron, but in vain. There are rumours that Budgiedeath himself, in an increasingly paranoid old age, had every copy of the TV advert campaign destroyed. Some say he feared that the US government was out to get him for some reason he alone knew. Consequently, there is no official record of any of the TV adverts for the device left in the world.

Many original buyers of the device have come forward with their own theories of what the device was intended to do, but none of them have stood up to scrutiny and experimental testing with any confidence that the device was indeed designed for that purpose.

A leading UK tabloid newspaper has offered a reward for anyone who can conclusively demonstrate what the device is meant to be used for, but, as yet, the £100 000 prize remains unclaimed.

It seems increasingly likely that, as time passes, the Budgiedeath Concacinatoron will always remain one of humankind’s unexplained mysteries.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

2 thoughts on “The Budgiedeath Concacinatoron

  1. Taxes. That’s the reason the US government might be interested.

    Even on ill-gotten gains, paying taxes is required.

    Without business records, however, they might be stymied.

    They have no interest in what it’s for; and if they figured it out, would have to give the prize back.


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