The Elbowdevice Erotic Cogitator

Plankton Elbowdevice is best known in the UK as the man responsible for inventing the device now synonymous with his name. A device used in the bedrooms, erotic boudoirs and sex dungeons of almost every English couple engaged in a sexual relationship – even if it is not with each other.

Of course, there was a time, hard as it is to believe now, when the Elbowdevice Erotic Cogitator was not an automatic purchase for any romantically engaged pairing. However, back in those days, there was no real way of any putative couple, or more than a couple in some cases, adequately describing their sexual desires to each other. At least without some urgent furtive whispering, a few hastily sketched diagrams or a recourse to a volume or two of reference material, which in pre-internet days was more than a little awkward. Consequently, this situation did also tend to destroy any romantic atmosphere that had already built up, especially if she refused to do the thing with the fisherman’s waders, the marrow and the Rubik’s cube.

The first iteration of the Elbowdevice Erotic Cogitator was the 253-part weekly magazine that is so familiar to people of the pre-internet age. Despite costing a then rather steep £2.99 per issue, the magazine was a perennial bestseller every time it was rereleased. That was not only due to the Build-Your-Own Naughty Lady Detector that came in a set of parts with each issue. This enabled the hobbyist to build a device that could detect a lady willing to undertake a pecuniary beneficial dalliance from up to seven streets away. Ideal for those gentlemen eager to put into practice the lessons they had learnt from that issue.

Eventually, however, the Women’s Liberation movement complained that this ‘free gift’ was biased against women. So eventually, Elbowdevice Publications Ltd did bring out an alternate version of the publication with a livid pink cover and a weekly Knit Your Own Gigolo pattern inside it. Something that turned out to be surprisingly popular with many shops claiming to run out of a month’s stock of wool in the two or three days after each week’s issue was published. Not only that, the NHS doctors of the time reported a surge in women attending their emergency surgeries with cases of acute knitter’s wrist.

Now, though, the Elbowdevice Erotic Cogitator has kept up with the times and now comes as a smartphone app. This enables people to use a swipe method to preselect what kind of erotic dalliance they are interested in and will come up with a range of suitable partners interested in undertaking such an activity within a twelve-mile radius (25 miles in the pro version).

This means that a couple no longer have to pretend to be interested in, or even aroused by their partner’s proclivities and can find satisfaction of their particular (or peculiar) needs elsewhere. The Pro version of the app also gives details of the nearest shops providing the necessary accoutrements for their specific fetishtic needs (such as a 24-hour opening supermarket with fresh marrows in stock).

Thus has the Elbowdevice Erotic Cogitator proved to be the greatest boon to married life since the introduction of the TV remote control.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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