Evil Geniuses and Minion Recruitment

Turnpike Psychoweasel is the CEO of probably the World’s leading employment agency for evil genius minions and henchmen, although, it is – as Psychoweasel himself admits – a rather niche area. However, he does see room for growth in the field. He has grown the company from a small one-man operation that hired out bodyguards to tax inspectors and social workers to the global enterprise it now is. Psychoweasel’s EvilMinionHire Inc. began when he first gained the contract to provide protection services to world leaders at various international conferences.

Up until then, most world leaders used their national security services and police protection for their own safety. However, as these protection officers were usually public servants who worked for relatively low wages and had to send most of their waking lives in the company of politicians, they soon found they were very reluctant to put themselves in the line of fire. In fact, in recent decades most assassination attempts on world leaders have been by their own security services. Often when those bodyguards realised what kind of people they were meant to lay their own lives on the line for.

Soon Psychoweasel had contracts from all the great powers, leading countries – and Belgium – to provide security for their leaders. However, it soon became apparent that there was a far more lucrative alternative out there.

Evil geniuses are – almost by definition – quite rare, especially as it doesn’t take a genius to see that their life expectancy is not that long and that those lives do tend to end in somewhat gruesome, if inventive, ways. However, Psychoweasel saw that the standard of recruitment into the minion hordes used by the evil geniuses was very low, especially in their weapons training and the emphasis it placed on not hitting the target they were aiming at.

The scientists and technicians used by evil geniuses tended to be of rather poor quality too. Although, they were quite good at producing super weapons and other fiendish technologies, the necessity of placing such hardware on deserted volcanic islands made the location of the evil genius’s secret base not that much of a secret.

Although, most evil geniuses rejected Psychoweasel’s initial idea of making their bases in ordinary suburban streets, the occasional news item about police discovering ‘suspicious activity’ in ordinary households of late does  – many commentators believe – show the influence of Psychoweasel’s ideas.

However, with his contacts in the now-privatised government security services, Psychoweasel had a much better idea for his evil genius clients. He pointed out that the evil genius did not need to go to all the trouble of locating the deserted volcanic islands, recruiting the scientists and technicians to make his superweapon, or even training his horde of security minions to shoot straight. Instead, it was in fact much easier for an evil genius to get himself elected as President or Prime Minister of some country and to wreak his havoc from there.

Consequently, as we all see on the nightly news, Psychoweasel’s plan for introducing evil geniuses and psychotic monsters into the governments of the world has been – so far – a resounding success, if only for him and not the rest of us.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

2 thoughts on “Evil Geniuses and Minion Recruitment

  1. I can’t imagine a more boring job than bodyguard – though there are those interesting minutes or seconds here and there when shots ring out.

    Spending your entire life listening to baseball on the tiny earphones with your arms crossed in front of you, standing, and then maybe getting shot – not a great career path.

    Maybe he has a point. Which nation is he going to lead personally?


    1. You’re right, of course. More than that though the sort of people who tend to have bodyguards often seem like the sort of people that the longer you spend with them, the less you want to keep them alive.

      I think he is more interested in being the power behind the throne, especially when it is a bulletproof throne.


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