The Rude and Naughty – Both Theoretical and Applied

Semblance Wombatdesign is best known as the world’s leading expert on the Rude and Naughty at both theoretical and applied levels. Her General Theory of Kink is often cited as the groundbreaking work in the field, especially in the field (or allotment) where the use of the dibber for erotic purposes has now become the norm. Not only that her paper on the theoretical uses of the cucumber – whole or sliced (in the half-time) sandwiches – has, many claim, revolutionised the erotic relationships between couples throughout the UK.

Although, it has to be said that her claims for the erotic use of baked beans was not met with universal approval, especially when utilised during the winter months in a closed environment. Although, her erotic uses for the Brussel sprout has led to a reappraisal of that much-maligned vegetable. Figures show it has resulted in an increase in sales of sprouts throughout the British Isles. There are even rumours that some people have even tried eating them, but this is yet to be confirmed by any independent study.

However, away from foodstuffs and their utilisation in the erotic arena, Wombatdesign has been doing some groundbreaking and – some say – revolutionary theoretical work on the nature of quantitative easing (QE). Although, there are relatively few men for whom their quantity is such that it does require easing, many ladies feel there still remains a great deal for them to learn and experience about this subject.

For example, those men who do possess a significantly larger quantity than average must always be aware of the importance of easing. Lest their partner be forced to suddenly drop a stitch in her knitting, or miss a vital Downton Abbey plot-twist through their partner’s haste to apprise her of his quantity as soon as possible.

During some applied experimental work at the European Large Rude and Naughty Collider on the Walsall/Wednesbury border, Wombatdesign herself has been doing some experimental work to discover the correct ratio between a gentleman’s quantity and precisely how much easing it needs. Common sense would suggest that the larger the quantity a man is blessed with, the longer and gentler he should be in easing that quantity into the erogenous areas of his partner. Lest there be the danger that she may over-dunk her biscuit in her tea and suffer the loss of that biscuit, or even – should the worst come to the worst – even spill some of her tea down her cardigan.

Wombatdesign has begun to develop a Table of Easing, using the international SI units of the Rude and Naughty. This, she hopes, can be developed into a smartphone app where a gentleman can insert the precise dimensions of his quantity into the app. Then he has to add the level of arousal of his partner – for example, whether she is considering removing her cardigan, or if her knitting has entered a particular tricky part of the pattern, or if she is particularly engrossed in her favourite TV programme. Then the app will calculate the necessary amount of easing his quantity will need to avoid ruining his partner’s biscuit dunking experience, knitting, enjoyment of her favourite TV programme, or whatever else she is dong at the time.

Many scientists of the Rude and Naughty, now fully expect that Wombatdesign will be awarded the Nobel Prize for her work sometime in the next few years for doing science that has – for once – so obviously improved the lives of us all.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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