The Philosophy of Doing Bugger All

Runningback Kneetrembler is probably best known as the world’s leading philosopher of Doing Bugger All. Of course, as usual, the Ancient Greeks first developed the philosophical system of Doing Bugger All. The philosopher Sycthexraxesthophin developed the basic theories of General Arsing About when he came up with the idea of Doing Bugger All one day when he was trying to remember how to spell his own name and decided he couldn’t be arsed.

Over the centuries since then, of course, Doing Bugger All has had a long, but not uncontentious history. Other systems of thought through the ages, such as the Protestant Work Ethic, have been in conflict with the fundamental tenets of Doing Bugger All. Although, there are some from the Christian tradition who point out – in opposition to the work ethic – that Jesus himself said something or other about the natural world not being all that arsed about labour and effort. And they claim they would come up with the exact quote if they could be arsed.

The conflict between those devoting their lives to Doing Bugger All and the rest has raged for centuries. But as Wittgenstein himself said, ‘that that we cannot be arsed to do, must remain undone. So sod it.’ However, there is now scientific evidence, according to Kneetrembler that does give some credence to the Idleists (as those devoted to Doing Bugger All are called in philosophical circles) position.

For, as scientists point out – according to Kneetrembler – one of the most fundamental building blocks of the universe is the conservation of energy. As Kneetrembler points out, there is no better way of conserving energy than Doing Bugger All. Not only that, Kneetrembler asserts that the ultimate fate of the universe is a state of entropy. He argues that it is the Idleists who have managed to get there first, before the rest of the universe. Consequently, he believes that the Idleists are not only far ahead of the rest of intelligent life, they will also have the best seats to watch the heat death of the universe. ‘And that will stop people buggering about… forever,’ Kneetrembler confidently stated.

Kneetrembler also points out that there are fields of human endeavour, the obvious one being politics, where people trying to do stuff only has disastrous consequences. ‘People who attempt to make the world a better place through applying their – by definition – simplistic theoretical ideologies to a complex real world, only ever end up making things worse. Sometimes they end up – as both fascism and communism have shown – making the world much, much worse. Just think how better the world would be now if those promulgating such theories had Done Bugger All instead.’

Kneetrembler believes that Doing Bugger All is the ideal state that all humans should aspire to. In the past, of course, it was only a dream, as even the most committed Idleist eventually had to take the bins out and do the washing up, even if they were tenured philosophy professors. But now, Kneetrembler believes, with the possibility of intelligent robots on the near horizon to take over all the mundane tasks soon, perhaps within our own lifetimes, humanity will, at least, achieve its destiny of – finally – being able to Do Bugger All all the time.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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