Trivialpursuit Sparklebadger was once the world’s leading archaeological expert in Slow Motion Goose Bedazzlement. As we all know, the UK has had a long tradition of Chicken-Intriguing, especially in recent years with the All-Nude code of the sport. A sport that, with the increasing take-up of High Definition TV, has won many more new fans and admirers.
However, Slow Motion Goose Bedazzlement has not had quite the overwhelming success as Chicken-Intriguing, Turkey Mesmerising or even Duck Bafflement, amongst all the other variations of what was once a typical rural pursuit.
As we all learn in school history, these sports have a long history with both Chicken-Intriguing and Slow Motion Goose Bedazzlement mentioned in both the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle and William the Bastard’s Domesday Book.
Recently, however, Sparklebadger’s team have uncovered tantalising remains of both a Chicken-Intriguing area and a Slow Motion Goose Bedazzlement pitch not only near Stonehenge, but also quite close to Avebury too.
This, Sparklebadger claims, shows that all versions of poultry perplexing must have a much longer history than previously thought. This means that these poultry-based sports could quite easily predate the Greek invention of the Olympic Games and the early Stone Age version of It’s A Knockout discovered in the remains of a Stone Age settlement near West Bromwich.
Some experts have claimed before that the various forms of poultry perplexing could date back to not long after the domestication of the various animals that make up the modern poultry flocks – apart from turkey mesmerising, of course – which was only introduced into Europe around 1789.
At one time, such theories were dismissed as unlikely, but now the increasing evidence uncovered by Sparklebadger does show that the relationship between human beings and their various poultry flocks is both long and complicated. It also goes some way towards explaining why the complex stances, moves and routines that make up the various poultry perplexing sport have such a long and complex history themselves. Such moves as the Witch and Ducking Stool, used in Slow Motion Goose Bedazzlement and other such historically significant stances show that they go back a long way into history.
Many historians and archaeologists, like Sparklebadger, have also claimed that, as the sports themselves do go such a long way back, then they must once have had a ritual or religious purpose. Although, some do doubt that there could have been such a close connection between religion and sport. Sparklebadger does point out that even these days there are many sports fans for whom their sport is very much a religion. Especially when it comes to unquestioning belief in their own team and its abilities, despite the often overwhelming evidence that no such abilities do exist in the real world.
However, the more contentious and radical historians and archaeologists, like Sparklebadger, now claim that the reverse is more likely the truth, in that religion grew out of sport, especially as a way of explaining why one’s own team did so badly, despite the opposition being so obviously hopeless. Some sort of divine intervention in sport would – experts claim – inevitably lead to a growth in religious explanations for other similar inexplicable phenomena, and thus to the growth or religion beyond its original sporting origins.
Perhaps we will never know for sure, but we do know now that poultry perplexing in general, and Slow Motion Goose Bedazzlement, in particular, have a history almost as long as that of humanity itself.