The Heyday of Theoretical and Applied Naughtiness

Stalactite Velocipede became the UK’s leading professor of Theoretical and Applied Naughtiness back in the fully-bearded days of the late 1970s. Up until then, of course, there was little in the way of theoretical understanding of the best ways to go about being either rude or naughty. Most people up until then sort of made it up as they went along, hoping for the best.

However, with the rise of theoretical studies in so many fields, the intellectuals of the time thought that this lackadaisical approach to the rude and naughty was not good enough. Many, including Velocipede himself, thought that if they could develop a strong theoretical framework for the rude and the naughty, then people would start to think that these beardy professor types knew what they were talking about. They believed that then the intellectuals would begin to get more invitations to that sort of party. Many also hoped that it would make their academic conferences much more interesting too.

However, the sort of people that found the theoretical aspects of the rude and naughty so fascinating were more often than not the kind of people most other people would not wish to explore the practical aspects of it with, under any circumstances.

So, for many years, the academic conferences and even the dinners and drinks parties of those studying theoretical rude and naughtiness were as dry, dull and tedious as the conventions of the academic literary theorists in the conference hall next door. Despite this, the theorists of the rude and naughty could comfort themselves that they were not political theorists and, consequently, there was an outside chance that one of them might one day talk to a lady.

However, Velocipede himself saw that the growing popularity of the video recorder during the 1980s would usher in a new era of theoretical rude and naughty studies, especially with the invention of the pause button, and the fast forward button to skip over the non-rude and un-naughty bits of the tape.

Soon academic Theoretical Rude and Naughty Departments in all the leading Western universities were full of students eager to discover what they could learn using this new technology.

Unfortunately for Velocipede and the other Theoretical Rude and Naughty academics they were still not getting any of the applied rude and naughtiness. As Velocipede himself said in an interview ‘If it weren’t for Debbie Does Dallas, I’d long ago have forgotten what a naked lady looks like.’

Not long after that, with the growing popularity of some of the male stars in the nascent porn industry, a few women began to enter the field and taking an interest in the theoretical study of the rude and the naughty. As porn became more mainstream, it seemed that even those older professors of the rude and naughty like Velocipede could eventually see what a real woman looked like without her clothes on, and perhaps one day they could even touch one, if she let them.

Now, though, the internet has changed everything and Velocipede has long retired. Porn is everywhere and everyone regards themselves as an expert in theoretical rude and naughtiness, but still, even now, Velocipede believes that one day he may actually do it with a lady.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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