That Bloke off the Telly

Guttering Logarithmicfunction is undoubtedly the UK’s leading That Bloke off the Telly. At first, when he began in local TV news in the Droitwich area, he claimed that he hoped that one day people would come to recognise him in the street, but ‘I never expected to win the That Bloke off the Telly Award, and certainly not for the last ten years running.’

However, it was after an on-air incident featuring a rather excitable un-tamed polecat and his genitalia, that Logarithmicfunction shot to national, if not worldwide, fame. In those pre-internet days, it was a remarkable achievement. As Clive James noted in his Observer TV column, ‘Logarithmicfunction treated us to a sustained and inventive use of every British swear word known, and added a few new ones of his own creation for the occasion.’

Once out of hospital, and able to wear his trademark tight jeans again without any apparent discomfort, Logarithmicfunction was offered a job on national TV as a roving reporter. This mainly involved sending him out to find the most livid of Britain’s wildlife and – somehow, no matter how contrived – have it get rather upset in the near vicinity of Logarithmicfunction’s crotch. However, despite the series achieving impressive viewing figures for its time-slot,  it never took off, much to Logarithmicfunction’s relief as he said he didn’t fancy another 3 weeks in a NHS hospital, even though the nurses were very kind and considerate of his predicament.

Logarithmicfunction soon settled into a series of one-off documentaries, specially commissioned by the BBC. There, he was often called upon to do something dangerously stupid for the cameras in the hope that some visually entertaining accident would happen to him. As BBC executives later admitted in the court case, ‘we hoped that something would happen to Logarithmicfunction’s crotch, it would burst into flames, be eaten live on TV by a rabid, lion, or insane politician, or something like that.’

By now, Logarithmicfunction was getting quite famous, popular and in demand on TV. Consequently, there was also always the hope that Logarithmicfunction would get himself killed in one of his more dangerous and spectacular stunts. For example, like the time he visited a Student Union Political Rally, accompanied by a brace of topless Page 3 models, and set up a stall trying to sell right-wing tabloids.

Soon, he became bored with putting himself into pointlessly dangerous situations for the delight of TV audiences. The audiences too were becoming bored, for despite the ever-increasing danger, Logarithmicfunction and his testicles remained firmly attached to each other. The only injury he suffered was a broken fingernail when doing a freefall parachute jump from a burning airship into shark-infested seas. Some blamed the now over-cautious health and safety obsessed BBC for robbing his stunts of any danger by putting out the fire on the airship, letting it hover only six feet above the shark-infested sea and replacing that sea with a child’s paddling pool and the sharks with a handful of aged guppies. All of which was only discovered two years later in an undercover investigation by one of the very tabloid newspapers Logarithmicfunction now wrote for.

Only six weeks after they sacked him in disgrace, Logarithmicfunction was back on the nation’s TV screens fronting the BBC’s most popular motoring programme. He has stayed with the programme for the last fifteen years, winning the That Bloke off the Telly Award for the last ten of them. And there it seems he will stay, unless he does something very silly indeed, like punch a member of the production staff over some catering triviality.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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