The Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox

Dirigible Spankmybotty first came to the notice of the world with his General Theory of Sandwiches. Up until then physicists, mathematicians and anyone in need of a sandwich was confronted with the Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox first defined by Cantor. This paradox sets out the mathematical relationships between the various substances used as sandwich fillings. In particular, how they can often lead to utter sandwich breakdown.

As we all know, sandwiches are inherently unstable. More often than not as soon as you take the first bite of a sandwich, the remainder of the filling becomes volatile and shoots out of the other end of the sandwich. This was first noticed by Descartes, when he tried eating a cheese and tomato sandwich and the tomato slice shot out of his sandwich and hit the King of Holland, forcing Descartes to flee for his life.

Although, as Einstein pointed out in his famous ‘God doesn’t eat cheese and tomato sandwiches’ quote, although there may be unstable sandwiches in this universe, there could be other parallel universes where sandwiches are stable. In such universes, for example, the eater doesn’t end up with egg mayonnaise dripping from their chin. However, recent research into string theory has speculated that subatomic strings could be used to tie the ingredients of a sandwich’s filling together.

However, other theoretical sandwich physicists have postulated that such an ‘ideal sandwich’ universe is very unlikely.

As we all know, both weak and strong subatomic forces bind together the constituents of atoms and govern the relationship of those atoms with each other. It was Spankmybotty who first came up with the idea of strong and weak sandwich forces. These forces operate both on the ingredients used as filler and – in some cases – on the very bread of the sandwich itself.

For a long time, physicists had pondered whether there was some unified theory of sandwiches that would govern not only the reactions of the filler within a sandwich but also take into account the bread used in that sandwich. For example, the tendency of some types of bread to fall apart, or to go too soggy when reacting with the sandwich filler. This phenomenon too often leads to the tragedy of total sandwich breakdown and disintegration.

It was during some experimental work at the CERN Large Baguette Collider in Europe that Spankmybotty first came close to understanding just why the tomato in any sandwich is so volatile. The tomato often leaves a sandwich at a high velocity at the first bite of that sandwich. He discovered that there is a very strong opposing force between tomatoes and dairy products such as cheese and butter, but not surprisingly mayonnaise.

This force means that as soon as pressure is applied – through the jaws – or even just applying pressure to the top slice of bread in any cheese and tomato sandwich the forces between the cheese and the tomato grow too strong for the attractive forces of the sandwich to hold them together. Thus, the tomato is expelled.

The same, of course, applies to egg mayonnaise sandwich filler. Although, there the repelling forces are not so strong, which results in the egg mayonnaise oozing out rather than undergoing the rapid acceleration of the tomato in a cheese and tomato sandwich.

It is for work like this that Spankmybotty is strongly tipped for next year’s Nobel Prize in Sandwich Physics. Many feel that it will be a well-deserved accolade, especially if there are sandwiches available after the ceremony.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

4 thoughts on “The Sandwich Uncertainty Paradox

  1. Hahaha I strongly recommend the application of a tooth pick to strategically skewer the offending tomato slice in place, thus saving the universe from tomato projectiles.
    However, you need to tread carefully while eating said sandwich as you don’t want get the tooth pick up your nose, or embedded in your gum through overenthusiastic butty munching :0)
    When is a sandwich not a sandwich – when it’s an ‘open sandwich’ – basically that’s an uncooked, thick based pizza!


      1. HA! Indeed I have my own butty mantra which is ‘buttered bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, bacon, buttered bread – insert tooth pick’ – repeat . The mantra pivots on the one use of the word ‘tomato’ (Mayo optional) I am now a black belt 2nd Dan in the Martial Art of Sandwich :0)


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