The Sexygoat Hairiness Analyser

Pinstripe Sexygoat first came up with the idea for the device that made him famous in the 1970s. As we all know from our perusals of such historical documents of the time such as The Joy of Sex, sex was a very much hairier business back in those days. Although there has been a slight re-bearding of the male population in recent years, leading commentators have dismissed claims that a current spike in the National and International Hirsute Indexes are anything more than a blip. Very few of the experts in this field claim there will be anything like a return to the absolute hairiness of the 1970s, at least in the foreseeable future, or unless society totally collapses into chaos and anarchy.

So, although the Sexygoat business empire has expanded beyond the original device, there doesn’t seem as though there will be a massive return to use of the Sexygoat Hairiness Analyser, at least not to the extent it was used back in its heyday in the 1970s.

Some, of course, have cited the Sexygoat Hairiness Analyser as the precursor to the smartphone dating and hook-up apps that are now available for those wishing to meet other like-minded people to engage in various degrees of both the rude and the naughty. There is some truth in this of course. Back in the 1970s, anyone hoping for an erotic or amorous encounter on a night out would always take their Sexygoat Machine – as it came to be known – out with them on an evening. This was especially the case if they were going out to a disco, party, nightclub, political protest meeting or anywhere else, where they were likely to meet a putative sexual or romantic partner.

The Sexygoat Machine was vital in such situations as the general hairiness of the 1970s made it very difficult for anyone to be confident that the person underneath all that hair was of the sexuality and/or sexual orientation that the device wielder was looking for.

When the device was satisfied that it had found a person underneath all the hair that matched the user’s preference – up to a user defined probability error setting – then it would indicate a match had been found. This was particularly helpful in the clubs, discos and parties of the time that often happened in near – or sometimes, total – darkness, and dense clouds of dry ice, lit only by the then-obligatory strobe lights.

Some have credited the machine’s notorious inaccuracy with the rising acceptance during the 1970s and the subsequent decades of more variety in sexual couplings, and the acceptance of alternative sexualities since that time. Although, many sociologists do agree there is a correlation between the increasing use of the – rather flaky at times – machine and the growing sexual liberalisations and acceptance of sexual minorities, many would hesitate to say it was an entirely causal relationship. However, to this day, there are many gay and lesbian couples, especially in more conservative regions, who claim they would not have met if it were not for a Sexygoat Machine malfunction. So maybe the machine has had an influence that goes way beyond its 1970s heyday and should have a more prominent position in the history of human sexuality.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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