The Fall of a Modern Celebrity

Welshrarebit Cheesetoastie became the world’s leading headline maker when she was still at a very early age. At that time, her management company had still not decided whether she was going to be a pop star, actress, TV reality star, model, politician or just someone famous for being famous. Her management company, FlOggingADeAdHOrse Inc., soon came to the conclusion that Cheesetoastie was a true celebrity, born to be famous. So, what she was actually famous for could wait until they saw what kind of demographic her fan base would both cover and be concentrated in.

In the meantime, the management company released several YouTube videos that could later be easily converted into music videos, a cameo part in a long-running TV series, a glamour model shoot, a fashion video, political broadcast or commercial. It could even be edited – with the use of a body double – into an illicitly released private sex tape.

The strategy worked, for within a few months Cheesetoastie was on the covers of all the influential magazines from Vague, through Cosmological to Gardener’s Weekly and Autotrader. She was also interviewed on all the world’s major chat shows and in an exclusive audience with her, the Pope was allowed to touch the hem of her garment.

However, Cheesetoastie grew increasingly frustrated with her management company’s refusal to actually commit her to one aspect of the modern celebrity lifestyle. She was already pencilled in to win nearly all the major awards in her field that year. The management company was under severe pressure from the various awarding bodies to make her commitment to their particular field so they could give her the awards she was marked down for from their Lifetime Achievement award right through to their Promising Newcomer award. Gardener’s Weekly also wanted her to both present and receive their Dibber of the Year award, and Autotrader wanted an exclusive photoshoot of her polishing her front bumpers.

Unfortunately, Cheesetoastie’s management company then discovered that she could not sing. Even with the help of Autotune she still sounded like an obese frog wedged in a downpipe. Nor, they found could she act to a standard that would even allow her to star in a Brazilian daytime soap opera.

Immediately, the management company sprang into action. Not only had they acquired a body double for the obligatory charity nude calendar and paparazzi shot of her getting out of a limousine wearing a short skirt and no knickers. Now they employed a voice double and an acting double too. To the management company’s horror, it was discovered that she did not interview very well on the still vital chat show circuit and newspaper in-depth interviews. Furthermore, they found she would be unable to decide her favourite colour without an hour-long full briefing and prompting from her PA.

Eventually, Cheesetoastie herself discovered that of the vast amounts of money she was making ninety-seven percent went to her management company. Another 10% was used to pay the various body, voice, acting, question-answering doubles, and all the other backroom staff necessary to keep it all coordinated. Shocked, Cheesetoastie discovered that rather than being a wealthy celebrity she was already in serious debt.

So at the peak of her career when they felt she could go no further without a decline in earnings for her management company. The company sued Cheesetoastie and banned her from ever appearing as herself in public ever again anywhere in the world.

Consequently, Cheesetoastie discovered that she had no rights to herself at all, and the management company owned everything about her.

Graciously, the management company do allow her to live out the rest of her life in a garden shed on the slopes of an active volcano deep in a remote part of Iceland, as long as she never appears again in public or ever attempts to use her own name.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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