Not long after the notorious MP Bribery Scandal of the late 1990s, a leading broadsheet newspaper revealed documents that proved there were some honest MPs in the Houses of Parliament. The newspaper claimed to have evidence that some MPs had even refused to be bribed, either by wealthy constituents or by large multinational businesses. Some had even turned down the chance for rapid promotion through their party’s ranks by refusing to vote for some of the policies of their party they disagreed with.
Naturally, the police were very interested in discovering and bringing to justice such unusual politicians. There was fear throughout not just the British political system, but also in the EU and the UN that should such honesty spread beyond the UK parliament, then the whole worldwide political system could come under threat.
So under advice from the political parties, the Metropolitan Police’s Special Naughty Person Unit infiltrated several undercover operatives into the political parties. There, the undercover officers stood as MPS in safe seats. There was some initial nervousness in the police force that their undercover ruse would not work. They feared that the constituents where the undercover police were candidates would suspect something. However, as these were safe seats and the police undercover candidates did look almost human enough, they were all elected. Some were elected with increased majorities, as the police officers looked slightly more normal that the people the political parties usually put up as candidates.
However, when they became MPs, none of the police officers could uncover any examples of politicians acting unusually or suspiciously, by being honest, decent and truthful. As one officer – identity hidden – said at the trial, ‘I’d only been in my office at Portcullis house twenty minutes before I’d been offered a seat in the cabinet if I supported a particular policy. After a few weeks, it became apparent that I needed to allow my research assistant to get dressed again half an hour before we left the office for her to deal with all the plain brown envelopes that had arrived while we’d been busy discussing Ugandan Affairs.
Soon, however, after some tenacious undercover work in several bars, drinking clubs and other more specialist establishments around the Houses of Parliament, the undercover officers managed to infiltrate a secret society of honest politicians.
‘I was shocked,’ another of the undercover officers said at the trial. ‘There were MPs there, as well as a few MEPs, who were openly and reasonably talking about how to make society a better place and how to make the system fairer and equal. I was stunned.’
After all, it is well known that it is much better to have dishonest, corrupt and venal politicians than to ever allow any of them to try to make things better. We all know that can only end in disaster and make things worse for everyone.
As the Chief Inspector of the Constabulary said in the post-arrest press conference, ‘there is no way we could have allowed these principled politicians to carry on with their dastardly plan to improve British society. We all know that current society is a fuck up, but if we’d allowed these politicians to carry out their plans, there is no telling how worse they could have made things.’
Consequently, the guilty MPS were all imprisoned for 20 years each, where it is hoped they can learn how to be dishonest crooks and thus be released back into society with more chance of fitting in and becoming productive, or at least very wealthy, members of society.