The Great Breakfast War

Sir Haberdashery Parkingrestrictions was probably the most famous English knight during the long and bloody time of the Twenty-Seven Year, Two Months and Five Weeks War that raged across Europe towards the end of the Middle-Ages. It was Henry VIII’s need to get his leg over in a legitimate way that led to England’s break with the Catholic Church. However, the schism had been brewing a long time over far more fundamental differences between the English way of life and that of this country’s continental neighbours. Some say that it is the seed of division set during this period that has led to even today’s wide gap of understanding between England, in particular, but also the UK in general, and the rest of Europe.

It was King Francois XIIVXYZ of France who many historians agree started the war when he petitioned the Pope to introduce a Papal Bullshit to decree a standard breakfast across Christendom as a way of distancing it from the rest of the then known world.

This was, of course, how the continental breakfast began with country after country across Europe falling into line with the Papal decree. Those countries that did not follow the decree were soon invaded by their neighbours. Then, after a thorough cleansing of the breakfast heretics from their nobility, a more continental breakfast was introduced, even if sometimes it was against the wishes of the population or ran counter to that country’s traditional breakfast fare.

However, in Britain, King Wayne the Forgotten, found that the English Barons and Lords would not accept the Papal decree. At the time, the king himself was no great fan of the Full English Breakfast, having been brought up in exile in France when his Uncle King Dave the Excessively Hairy, seized the throne after – allegedly – murdering his brother King Ron in the Battle of Asda Car Park.

The English population, when they heard of the Papal Decree, were close to rebellion. A large band of rebels called The Baconers – led by Whom Taylor – marched on King Wayne in London. The rebels demanded that the full English breakfast be protected from what they called ‘Foreign Interference.’ Again, there are current day echoes of this long held English scepticism about having laws imposed from Europe, which threatened the traditional English way of life.

Many feared that it could be the end of the British sausage, and many peasants started hiding their pigs in case the church attempted to seize them. However, the Church in England wanted to keep out of the dispute. Naturally, they knew they should follow the Pope’s decree, but they were English, and they liked having a proper breakfast.

Soon war began, and Parkingrestrictions led the British army in its famous siege of the Calais Duty-Free shops, which led eventually to the French surrender. This resulted in the twenty-seven years and a bit of the English imposing their right and proper breakfasts over nearly half of France. However, the English army was tired of living in France, and many ordinary soldiers were scared that their wives may not have set the PVR to record the football properly. So the English army, despite winning the right for Englishmen to forever have the breakfast of their choice free from foreign diktat or influence, all decided they wanted to go home and put their feet up in front of the telly.

So began England’s first, but not its last, withdrawal from European soil, confident that they’d made their point and that the foreigners would leave them alone in future.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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