The Goatexplosion Vegetable Dislocator

Manicminer Goatexplosion is known to almost every juvenile school-age learning unit as the inventor of that essential must-have device for all children forced into the cruel savagery of so-called healthy eating, the Goatexplosion Vegetable Dislocator.

For most of his career in theoretical and applied physics, Goatexplosion has been working on matter transportation. At a young age, the transporters in Star Trek fascinated him. As his career developed, he became more and more interested in such devices and the theory and practice of building them. At first, he had some theoretical success when he produced a paper that postulated that it would be possible – under laboratory conditions – for a theoretical device to move a young lady’s swimwear several yards to her left. However, as very few ladies – even in the 1970s – wore swimwear in the laboratory, his theory was never put to the test.

Not disheartened by this setback, or by the lack of swimwear-clad women in his lab, Goatexplosion continued with his work. However, he experienced some setbacks, especially with his live animal experiments. The relatively crude devices his theoretical work allowed Goatexplosion to construct had a lot of difficulty reassembling anything they transported in the right order. Often with the outside of the test animal on the inside and the insides spread across the laboratory equipment. This often made the laboratory equipment very hard to clean afterwards. So after a two-month strike by the laboratory cleaning staff after an incident with six white mice, Goatexplosion was forced to utilise other experimental materials.

Luckily, when experimenting with broccoli and sprouts, Goatexplosion made his significant breakthrough. Due to a certain amount of quantum uncertainty in vegetable matter – as anyone who had eaten sprouts will confirm – vegetables can often be explosively volatile. Not only that, this uncertainty also amplifies the quantum tunnelling effect that in mammals and especially laboratory mice made Goatexplosion’s equipment turn them inside out.

Instead of turning the vegetables inside out, however, the amplified quantum tunnelling effect somehow made the vegetable matter disappear and reappear inside the sun. This at last provided scientists with an explanation for the mysterious solar flares that occasionally erupt on the surface of the sun. Extraneous vegetable matter from the Earth quantum tunnels into the surface of the sun. There the volatile chemical reaction between the heat of the sun and the vegetable matter produces a burst of energy that results in the solar flare.

It was not until Goatexplosion’s young nephew was visiting his laboratory, one day that a practical application was discovered for Goatexplosion’s vegetable transporter machine. The young child explained how he had difficulty hiding the uneaten vegetables on his meal plates. This meant that the child often had no choice but to eat them. The child complained that even the family dog would not touch the broccoli that his parents claimed was so good for him.

Goatexplosion undertook clandestine practical experimentation on his nephew’s meals. Much to the parents’ surprise, all the vegetables on the child’s plate disappeared with alacrity. After this experimental success, Goatexplosion began to manufacture his machine in a small handheld version for those children – and even some adults – who wish to remove the vegetables from their plates without having to suffer the trauma of eating them.

Now a multimillionaire, Goatexplosion continues with his theoretical and practical work in his own custom-built laboratory entirely staffed by swimwear-clad laboratory assistants.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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