The Home Front

Occasionally it does get to be a bit of a bugger. But, then as Mrs Watkins from number 32 says, ‘that’s just the way the world is these days.’

Back in the beginning, most people blamed property prices, the general shortage of housing and the dearth of good schools. They also said it would be over by Christmas, but here we are still in the trenches at the end of Arcadia Avenue awaiting another big push by the Home Buyers Front.

When we are stuck in the shelter during one of those long endless nights when the fighting is raging outside somewhere near the convenient local shops, I sometimes tell the children about how it used to be.

Back in those days people wanted to sell their houses, they would advertise them in newspapers, online and even erect signs in their front gardens offering their homes for sale.

It was a different world that time before the homebuyers got weapons.

But, one of the advantages of having a mortgage on a property increasing in value all the time, is that it is relatively easy to take out a loan for some artillery, a tank or two, and for those residents spacious enough for it, even an air force of some description. There are rumours that some of the more exclusive London Post Codes have nuclear weapons – neutron bombs, of course. But with their connections to Russian oligarchs and other wealthy refugees from rogue regimes with a nuclear capability, I suppose that is no surprise.

We are losing ground, though, despite our superiority in both tactical and strategic weaponry. A state of affairs Mr Singh from the newsagent shop rightly points out didn’t help America in Vietnam, or –arguably – Iraq and Afghanistan.

They have the numbers. They are able to infiltrate guerrilla homebuyers into some of the more transient communities around the urban areas without anyone really noticing anything untoward. From there they spread out using insurgent tactics of home buying and their cadres of fellow-travelling estate agents and quisling conveyancing solicitors to take our territory, one desirable residence at a time.

Now they are spreading out into the suburbs. However, those are places where our heavy armour should have the advance in the larger gardens, park facilities and urban green spaces around these more upmarket locations.

However, once you see the vast fleets of removal vans massing on the horizon you know the time is coming where you either make a stand or flee back into the depths of the home-ownership zones.

Some have fought back using that old Buy-to-Let tactic to lure in the attacking homebuyers into the rental market, but there are moved afoot to make Buy-to-Let a war crime, if not a crime against humanity.

There is a lot of propaganda about the horrors of renting, which may sway some of those UN representatives with a natural antipathy towards the West, the UK, or homeowners in particular.

Still, though, we fight on. After all, we are not doing this just for ourselves, for one day we would like our children to have homes of their own too.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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