The Ancient Music of Stone Age Britain

Recent excavations around certain ancient Stone Age sites in the UK have uncovered what archaeologists believe is the first evidence of a Rolling Stones gig at Stonehenge. Of course, the fossil evidence – mostly based on carbon dating Keith Richards, the Mick Jagger fossil record and dendrochronological study of Ron Wood has long shown that the history of the Rolling Stones goes back much further than original thought. Now many rock music archaeologists are convinced that rock music did exist in the Stone Age. They also contend this music led to the naming of the age and named the most lasting artefact of that age – the Rolling Stones themselves. This – many rock music historians also believe – is how Stonehenge itself got its name, from the regular early performances there by the ‘Stones’ as they were known. Of course as they became more famous and toured, the Stones began Rolling, hence the name.

Up to then, of course, the group actually needed no name. They were just the musicians that performed at The Stones (as Stonehenge was known at the time).

Archaeologists also discovered, near another Stone Age site, evidence of an 8-track cartridge of the Rolling Stones early hits. Of course, such primitive technology is very crude by today’s standards, but rock music historians do believe that early music fans would have used such recordings on the rudimentary stone stereos of the day, with the reading heads of the 8-track player carved out of mammoth bones.

Of course, it wasn’t until later eras, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age, when metal needles were made that could use the newly invented LP. Technology made possible of course by the invention of the potter’s wheel to create the LP discs.

The Bronze and Iron Age periods of course, also brought in what is now called Heavy Metal. There are contemporary accounts of the first sightings of the fearsome tribe of heavy metal warriors led by their great leader Ozzy Osbourne. He led raiding parties – or tours, as they were known – of warriors across the country, sometimes even invading foreign lands. Back in those days it wasn’t easy to lob an Iron Age TV out of an ancient prehistoric hotel room window. But there are myths and legends around many of the so-called heavy metal tours that claim such things did indeed happen.

Many blame the decline in indigenous rock music on the invasion of the Roman armies and their use of regimented electronica and disco music. Many historians believe the sophistication of the newly created Roman mosaic disco dance floors that bought a new kind of civilisation to the British Isles.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that native British music died out. Nowadays everyone remembers Maggie Bell and how her sword-wheeled tour chariot cut a swathe – literally – through the Roman disco-dancing regiments on the battlefields. There are also folk tales of druids and witches Sabbaths – including the legends of the weird music and dance routines of Kate Bush – that fought back against the Roman invaders.

But whatever the reason, eventually the Romans left these shores, with their discotheques failing into eventual ruin and disuse.

Then – not long after the Roman departure – there began the invasions from Europe: the Saxons, the Vikings, and far worse of all the sheer terror of Eurovision.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

6 thoughts on “The Ancient Music of Stone Age Britain

      1. That’s something to look forward to… sort of.

        I was looking forward to complaining about their music choices and telling them to turn that rubbish down, but then they started playing all my old CDs and stuff.

        Pah.

        Like

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