Sir Bastion Bargepole was – as many already know – the first explorer successfully to circumnavigate the Tesco car park in Bewdley, back in the early Victorian era.
Of course, back in those days supermarkets had only just been discovered in the wild untamed jungles outside the Home Counties. As cars had yet to be invented too, no-one at the time knew what the strange expanses of tarmac with their weird and incomprehensible geometric patterning were for.
Judging by the way some cars are parked to this day, it seems that there are still some who don’t really understand the meanings of the regular rectangular boxes painted on car park surfaces.
At first, many Victorian explorers, such as Bargepole, who came across the supermarket car park in their explorations thought they must have some sort of religious significance. This is an insight that many today applaud for its perspicacity.
Some say that the car itself evolved to fit the spaces on the car park, and the car came about because the car park made them necessary. This makes more sense than the alternative theory first proposed by Henrietta Boxjuxction that the car park evolved after the invention of the car as a place to lose it once the car owner became bored with it.
Unfortunately, Boxjunction’s theory does not fit the facts. After all, as we now know from the archaeological evidence the Pyramids invented by both the Ancient Egyptians and by various civilisations in South America, were the first attempts by humanity to develop the multi-storey car park.
However, despite the Egyptian success in having parking spaces for several hundred chariots in their pyramids, the Mayans, Aztecs and others in South America did not even invent the wheel. Although, one Aztec pyramid has stalls for up to 500 llamas to be parked, each with plenty of room to reverse the llama out of their space without colliding with the other parked llamas, something that people even in modern multi-storey car parks sometimes struggle with.
Of course, as we now know too. Stonehenge was one of the first ever Stone-Age multi-storey car parks. Unfortunately, it fell into ruin when the supermarket it served closed down when its ill-advised 5 mammoths for the price of 2 sale backfired. All that remains of the once visually stunning 10-storey high multi-storey chariot park are the stone supports for the first floor.
Of course, the Romans with their fetish for building straight roads had quite an interest in chariot parks. Although the limited number of parking spaces in the Colosseum meant that the chariot drivers had to race around in circles inside the edifice hoping to be first to the next free space as soon as it became available.
Hadrian’s Wall was meant to solve this problem by having all the parking bays in a line along the border. This linear chariot park was built with a wall to protect the vehicles from vandalism by the Scottish tribes, who blamed chariots for the excessive number of wild haggises killed on the Roman roads by speeding chariot drivers.
Of course, not long after discovering the supermarket car park, Sir Bastion Bargepole went on to make the greatest discovery of his career when he was the first Victorian gentleman to enter a supermarket, but that is a tale for another day.