The New Celebrity World

These days Stopgap Madeupname is probably the world’s leading celebrity fencepost. In the past, it was usually only humans who achieved celebrity status, or had that celebrity status thrust upon them. However, such is the unpredictable nature of humans, especially when it comes to the various bad habits and other commercially unwelcome traits of humanity, that have in recent years turned commercial endorsers away from human celebrities and towards more commercially responsible inanimate objects.

In an attempt to catch the attention of an increasingly commercial-jaded public, there was a brief period when commercial sponsors used animals in advertising. However, once the tabloids and celebrity media realised that the advertisers had moved away from humans and towards other animals, they began sending out the paparazzi to investigate the private lives of the new celebrity animals.

It turned out that these animals were even more morally questionable – at least from a commercial viewpoint – than the humans they were replacing, especially their sexual exploits and activities. Some of these animals, it seemed had no shame, willing to copulate with any other animal that crossed their paths. The celebrity sties of some of the world famous pigs were also photographed and splashed over the front pages, with photographs of the conditions of the inside of these pigsties that would even make the hotel rooms used by heavy metal bands look pristine by comparison.

The celebrity great apes had a propensity to fling their shit at the tabloid reporters and paparazzi hounding them. Many consumers thought this was more than fair, but it did lead to a drop in commercial sponsorship of those apes, except for toilet roll manufacturers, of course.

Soon, the advertising industry was in the doldrums after yet another celebrity animal scandal when Herbert the 12-foot python was found cavorting with a pair of LA strippers. However, Bling Cashflow the world’s leading advertiser was consoling himself by watching several typical Hollywood action films when the common trait exhibited by the leading actors caught his eye. ‘Those Hollywood action stars all have this one thing in common that made me immediately think of inanimate objects,’ he said in a recent interview.

Then as he took his dog for a walk later that evening, Cashflow was struck by the similar acting ability of a fencepost he was passing. ‘It had such solid screen presence,’ Cashflow added.

Soon Stopgap Madeupname the fencepost was selling everything from breakfast cereal to bank accounts. His famous solid, dependable woodgrain features were soon familiar to consumers around the world. Much to the advertising industry’s relief, there was no scandal associated with Stopgap Madeupname whatsoever, despite the best efforts of the tabloids and gossip websites to dig up any dirt on him. In fact, the only dirt they could dig up on him was the fact that he had a tendency to fall over if people did literally dig up the dirt around him.

Apart from a small and controllable propensity for a regular creosoting, Stopgap Madeupname has continued to stay on the straight and narrow, much like himself, and it looks as though barring any major scandal he will continue that way. For now, the adverting industry is safe from scandal and public outrage and once again providing its vital public service.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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