Oranges are not the only fruit useful for perversions. A raspberry placed with care and accuracy on a cake shop manageress can often be very rewarding indeed. As can – of course – red seedless grapes arranged, in either series or parallel, on the postmistress of your choice. As for pomegranates and librarians… well, that almost goes without saying.
Old Feebletrousers himself swears by* that good old standby, the tin of pineapple rings (either in fruit juice or syrup – it doesn’t really matter that much). The pineapple rings have also turned out to be very useful in the village pre-orgy party games, where the ladies of the village compete to see which of the gentlemen present can accommodate the most pineapple rings about his person. The winning lady – of course – is often rewarded with a squirt of fresh cream over her eagerly-proffered melons.
However, I must issues a word of caution after hearing of a mishap during a village orgy in Lower Crotchstaine only a few months ago. I would therefore respectfully suggest that the erotic possibilities inherent in the use of the whole pineapple be left to those expert in such matters. On the bright side though, I have heard, through an acquaintance in Lower Crotchstaine village medical services, that Old General Fitz-Snuggly is starting to walk again, at long last, but only with the aid of a cane.
*He also swears at a lot of things too. However, we all put that down to his habit of wandering around naked and aroused, and with fading eyesight, in a kitchen full of hot appliances.
Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary