Inter-Village Orgy League: Match Report

We are now approaching the halfway point in this year’s Upper Thyghspreader Inter-Village Orgy League. I am pleased to say that our Little-Frigging in the Wold team is in a very strong position in the top six, just 7 points, one submission and a confused mallard duck behind the league leaders, Titten-Growper. We are capable of moving up to third place if we can score at least 3 touchdowns and a multiple orgasm against Morningwood-in-the-LowerBack next Saturday.

However, despite this, our last match – against 10th placed Much Piddling – didn’t quite go as predicted in the Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold Gleaner. Their sports correspondent, Sherry Ventilator, claimed it would be an easy win, if not a walkover for Little Frigging.

Things went well enough during the first quarter with Little Frigging scoring 7 points, a touchdown and a field goal before changing ends. However, the third over of the second quarter began with Little Frigging in possession of all the sexual aids. Unfortunately, our best player, Strom Thighhammer (LFITW Blacksmith) was sent off for Un-Gentlemanly Fondling in the penalty area during the second Ladies’ Excuse-Me of the quarter.

However, repeated viewing of the match video* has demonstrably proved that Strom was unfairly provoked by the Much Piddling Centre-Laidback, Hetty Mellowthighs. The video shows she gave him a fully body-check in an offside position while out of sight of the referee and umpires. It later transpired that the referee was otherwise engaged at the bar, getting his round in, when the incident occurred. So, he had to rely on the word of the fourth official when the Much Piddling team claimed the foul.

Consequently, from the penalty, Much Piddling scored an equalising multiple orgasm when their expert penalty-taker, Grope Donkeywang, sent Little Frigging’s Fanny Knickerless completely the wrong way.

After the sending off, the remainder of the Little Frigging team fought bravely, including many goal-line clearances. They prevented Much Piddling achieving any more multiple orgasms, points or even touchdowns. In particular, Maureen Trouser-Quandary was named Person of the Orgy for her stout defence of her end under constant assault from the Much Piddling forwards as they attempted to thrust ahead.

Then Labia Entanglements, Little Frigging’s Centre Rear Fondler, was substituted with a suspected itchy knee. It was not until the last few seconds of the match that Little Frigging managed to score a fully-consensual double touchdown in Much Piddling’s box, and thus end the match on a draw.

The much-needed points from this draw enabled Little-Frigging to retain their place near the top of the league. It suggests that they may – at least – be in with a chance of winning the League Championship for this season. If not, the team should be in a good position to qualify for the European Inter-Village Orgy Champion’s League next season.

 

[Please note: The post-orgy wheelbarrows were generously provided by Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789).]

*Now available on DVD at all good (and a fair few poor-to-middling) Adult Stores and Vicarage Coffee Mornings.

 

Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary

 

[A tale from the From the LFITW archive. More from Little Frigging in the Wold here]

 

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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