[How To Do Perversion – Part One]
One of the most useful aspects of doing perversion properly is knowing how to use the full length and width of the pitch to full effect. It is, after all, no use going out there – not even if your custard bucket is full to the brim (and at the optimum temperature) – and charging straight down the middle. That way, all that will happen is that you will lose possession of the nipple-clamps and be forced to retreat in order to cover your own end.
No, it is far better to use the full width of the available pitch to develop overlapping runs up both flanks. That way you can outflank the traffic wardens, leaving them both overcome, and encroach – on the blind side – on the fully-lubricated vicar without unduly startling the goat. Then, providing you have kept a firm grip on your custard bucket, it is relatively easy to shackle the naked librarian to the tea trolley in readiness.
Here is a little tip for you to savour. It is a good idea to use your regulation be-sequined donkey jacket to conceal the ostrich feather and the vibrating devices behind your back. Or, even better, try concealing them inside your day-glo wellies, thereby providing ease of access in some of the more advanced positions (which we will discuss in greater depth in part three).
Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary