The Sexual Perversions Cup

Well, now then, now then…. I can’t think of that much to say, really. Except that we had expected to do better, much, much better.

To be knocked out like that, before even reaching the quarterfinals, was a bitter blow. A very bitter blow. The Little-Frigging-In-The-Wold Gleaner had confidently predicted that this year would – once again – be our year. Talk about Thirty years of hurt – this has been much worse.

This year we felt we had such a strong team too:

The defence:

[Maureen Trouser-Quandary (of course!), Labia Entanglements (The Post Mistress), Fanny Knickerless (The Cake-Shop Manageress), Jenny Moist-Gusset (From the LFITW Riding School)

The midfield:

Miss Lesley Mufflapper (The librarian), Miss Margie Mingefinger (The Assistant Librarian), Old Feebletrousers (retired Badger-Mollifier) and Grand Old Uncle Stagnant (Ex-Cream Horn Wrangler)

The Forwards:

Bert Splodge (Local handyman and voyeur), Strom Thighhammer (Blacksmith), Foaming Lickspittle (LFITW Gleaner Editor), Spage Braindribble (World Champion Village Idiot).

Undoubtedly, one of the best Upper-Thyghspreader All-Village Sexual Perversion squads in the contest, even if I – as coach – say so myself.

Our strong defence was renowned throughout last season’s league fixtures for their unequalled record, losing only seventeen points and one – still-disputed- submission for the whole season. As for our forwards, an All-Village record of 397 points, 5 submissions, 2 touchdowns, 83 multiple orgasms and a still totally-bewildered chicken. No mean achievement for an amateur team, I’m sure you’ll agree.

So, to go out to Much Piddling in the sixth round – albeit after extra time, cream cakes and penalties, and to an extremely well-placed, and well-lubricated, sexual aid, is all the more galling.

Still, I suppose there is always next season’s league and cup to prepare for, and look forward to for both our team and supporters.


Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary


[A tale from the From the LFITW archive. More from Little Frigging in the Wold here]


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create your website with
Get started
%d bloggers like this: