Tessellation on Tax

Binary Tessellation is the emeritus professor of Difficult Sums at the University of Clacton. Although, to many he is better known as the bloke off the telly who knows stuff about numbers. Not only has he written a best-selling book on why numbers matter, he has also advised governments of all political persuasions on why they are always getting their sums wrong. For not only is politics show business for ugly people it is also maths for people who can’t add up to twenty even with both their socks off.

As Tessellation himself points out ‘it ought to be quite simple. After all governments have no money of their own. So every penny they piss up some wall has to come either from taxes on the current generation, or taxes on future generations through government loans. So every time they want to spend money on gimmicks, treats and outright bribes to the voters, it is voters’ own money they are being bribed with.’

As he pointed out in his recent Reith lecture series, Tessellation shows that people are always happy for there to be tax increases as long as it is someone else that pays those taxes. ‘After all,’ he said, ‘we all know we ourselves are taxed far too much, while everybody else, especially that bastard down the road who can afford a new car and exotic foreign holidays every year, is obviously not taxed enough.’

Tessellation has therefore developed a theory of taxation that involves everyone else paying more while we ourselves pay less. Unfortunately, this involves some complex mathematical theories and a set of extra dimensions of both space and time that thus far only exist at a theoretical level. However, as Tessellation says, complex mathematics does not mean that something is impossible, just very unlikely, especially when it comes to governments taking less in tax receipts.

As we all know without complex mathematical theories that bend and distort nature, governments will always spend more than they can afford. After all, they know thy will be out of office on guaranteed pensions when the fan/shit collision happens so why should they worry?

However, there has been a disturbing trend of late. Following Tessellation’s experiments with theoretical mathematics applied to taxation, governments around the world have explored the further reaches of mathematics to discover nearby alternate dimensions they can tax. There is increasing worry among tax specialists that if governments do find alternative dimensions and learn how to tax them, then government spending would get even more out of control and unfixable. As one tax accountant said, ‘there is nothing governments like more than a new source of taxation.’ However, other tax specialists have pointed out that if other taxable dimensions are discovered, the infinite nature of the many worlds theory suggests that there will be some dimensions that could be used as tax havens to prevent government appropriation of other people’s hard-earned money.

Tessellation himself though is working on a new theory of multidimensional money that will, in effect, leave the governments paying us ordinary people tax, instead of us paying them. Although the theory is only at a theoretical stage so far, many people around the world await the outcome with eagerness.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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