I have, this very morning, received a press release in which Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) are pleased to announce their new range of sexual aids for Spring 2018. Not only do they have a whole new range of Eco-friendly sex aids, building on their previous range, they have also updated their best selling Throbbing Weasel 90000, which, as you probably know, is modelled on our very own Little Frigging In The Wold blacksmith, and volunteer fireman, Strom Thighhammer. The Throbbing Weasel now has a brand-new Hyper-Naughtiness setting, which according to the catalogue – gives you that special feeling, as though a whole shift of firemen are engaged in bringing you to the peak of erotic fulfilment.
Splodge & sons have recently diversified into far more specialised sexual aids, fetish gear and erotic gadgetry. I – for one – found my eye drawn to their new range of wallaby grouting implements, mittens, thigh boots and aprons – which I’m sure many of my erstwhile readers will also find deeply stimulating. Especially, as now the full-colour illustrated catalogue does show many of the devices, clothing and so forth utilized in various stances by the attractive models simulating the real-life erotic possibilities of Splodge and Sons wide range of goods.
For instance, the Structural engineer, the naughty lady erotically fondling a protractor and the suitably bedecked lamppost on page 123 is a splendid example of the artistry that has gone into this excellent new catalogue. I would also like to direct those for whom the sight of a cake shop manageress expertly enjoying the delights of a fresh cream horn whilst in the company of an erotically be-spannered plumber is especially stimulating, to the last seven pages of the catalogue. This is where you will find such a scene has been re-enacted right down to the finest detailing on the stockbroker’s peep-hole shin pads.
I cannot recommend this new spring catalogue highly enough. Furthermore, those of you who have availed yourselves of the services of Splodge & Sons transportation wheelbarrow service for those who have found themselves overcome at a village orgy will know full well the quality of service provide by this erstwhile company. Therefore, you can order from the catalogue will full confidence of a speedy, reliable and discreet service at all times.
Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary