Vegetable-Related Perversions

Once you have fully recalibrated your bank manager and checked that the postmistress is fully up to temperature, you can see if the radishes have been prepared. Of course, most vegetable-related perversions such as The Twist And Sprout, The Pea-Pod Dalliance, The Lettuce Undertaking and – of course – The Corn Cob Surprise are most often utilised in a village orgy context, especially when both the red and green peppers have been sliced by a naked assistant librarian.

Sometimes, however, they can be used in more formal occasions such as the full evening undress orgy, for example, the Annual Dinner, Dance and Orgy of The Great and Noble High Order of the Wallaby Grouters. In such case, though, it should always be assumed that the cucumbers will arrive at the orgy table on silver salvers and one should always make a point of using the utensils provided for the purpose, especially  if one is about to engage in an intimate act with minor royalty, where tongs are – naturally – obligatory.

Of course, the vegetables used in any vegetable-relate perversion, kink or deviation should always be of the highest quality and as fresh as possible (except for – quite obviously The Frozen Pea Besmirchment, but even then you should pick only the most well-seasoned social worker for the all-important wearing of the wicketkeeper’s gloves during the intermission).

Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary

 

[A tale from the From the LFITW archive. More from Little Frigging in the Wold here]

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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