Open-Air Orgies And Their Drawbacks

Spring is now upon us and I trust you all (both of you) have your sexual arousal spatulas fully-oiled (with turbo-weasel spleen oil) ready for the new season’s round of orgies. It will not be long now before the open-air orgy scene begins in earnest*.

Although open-air orgies seem to embody so much of the rural idyll, they, like most Arcadian fantasies differ in the reality a good deal from what you urban ‘sophisticates’ so naively imagine.

Most obvious, I suppose, is the danger of exposing your nether regions and intimate delicate parts in the general vicinity of several forms of insect life. All of which – so it seems – only exist on this earth to cause severe irritation to its human inhabitants. I speak, in particular, of wasps who not only seem to have an insatiable appetite for jam-ensmeared picnics, they also seem to be  attracted to the oils, lubricants and other unguents without which no modern-day outdoor orgy would be complete, or quite as sticky.

Other outdoor problems, such as:

  • Setting up the deck chairs for the audience and those taking a tea break
  • Dog – and other animal – evacuations
  • Not being ‘in’ when the postman knocks
  • Wind damage to the fresh cream cakes
  • Muddy knees and elbows
  • Damp grass cuttings in the crevices

And so on and so forth do tend to make these events not for the squeamish**, or for the easily discouraged.


*And Earnest is remarkably willing – and accommodating – for a man of his advanced years.

**The sight of Grand Uncle Stagnant striding manfully across the village green, naked – except for his pre-war wellies – is not a sight for those of a non-robust constitution, especially if you happen to catch him masticating near the fresh cream cakes.

Yours perversely: Norbert Trouser-Quandary


[A tale from the From the LFITW archive. More from Little Frigging in the Wold here]



Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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