The Dating Game

There have, in recent years been many iterations of the dating app on mobile phones for people interested in meeting others for romantic-ish entanglements. However, all dating apps have one fatal flaw. After many years in public use, it has become increasingly clear that the people who use these dating apps are the last people anyone else would wish to ‘date’ – except, possibly, at gunpoint.

Most of – if not all – of these dating apps use a photo of the  person alongside a short biographical entry intended to show them in their best light. However, most people on these sites have no best light. Many would probably be better off if kept in a sack – in some cases at the bottom of the nearest canal.

However, people – with more hope than sense – continue signing up to these sites, enough to keep the app makers in business. But the time is approaching where even this seemingly limitless supply of dupes will run out.

With this worst-case scenario in mind a new start-up company, HeadintheSoft, has been busy developing a new app for those looking for sexual or romantic partners – however briefly. Consumer research shows that most of the failings of these apps are in the piss-poor quality of those signing up to them. Therefore, HeadintheSoft has decided that for anyone wanting a companion for the evening the best bet is not to bother after all.

As we all know the worst thing about humanity is other people. The fewer of them we meet and have to interact with the better. HeadintheSoft has developed a mobile app called SodOff. In the asp, the user can flip through thousands of other users of the SodOff site, safe in the knowledge that the app has – through some rather deft AI programming – already marked every one of the putative partners down as totally unsuitable for human interaction. So the user can swipe past all the potential partners and then decide they can’t be arsed to go out after all.

The app then shows the user the myriad other options that would be a far better use of the users time than meeting another complete disaster of a human being. We all know there are a many things far better than an hour or two of stilted conversation, a dire evening meal, followed by an overrated entertainment experience, and the optional – deeply unsatisfying if not downright embarrassing – sexual experience that makes up the usual dating evening.

Instead, the app will show the user such delights as being able to watch the TV in peace without someone else taking up valuable sofa space. Or the chance to get to that next elusive level in the current video game. Or an opportunity to cut their toenails they have been putting off for the last five years. The app includes many other satisfying and emotionally rewarding experiences that involve no other human being seeing the state of your worn-out underwear.

The app – already in its beta version – has 500 million downloads. Several broadsheet columnists are planning to get at least a book and a TV series out of their personal experience of it. So download it now and experience it for yourself… by yourself.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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