The Fundamental Theory of Cats

Pelmet Cheesetoastie is probably the world’s most famous contemporary theoretical physicist. Although he may not have the luxuriant hairstyling necessary for a career as a TV scientist, nevertheless he has found international fame through the vital nature of his studies.

At first, the scientific world was sceptical about another fundamental force beyond the forces physics already understood. However, with such problems as dark matter, dark energy, the nature of black holes and a method of reconciling gravity with the other physical forces, many felt that physics needed something else to resolve these difficulties.

Cheesetoastie’s theories, although initially controversial, are now one of the leading contenders to resolve these mysteries. Even though some physicists claim his theories are nonsense, a growing body of evidence is gathering which shows that he may – after all – be right.

Cheesetoastie’s Special Theory of Cats, does – many believe – go a long way towards discovering the underlying nature of not only dark energy, but dark matter too. Cheesetoastie believes that a large amount of the dark matter in the universe is there through cats knocking it into inaccessible regions of space in much the same way as they lose their cat toys under the fridge and behind furniture. Cheesetoastie contends that, as a fundamental force of nature, cats were originally created in the big bang. So, over eons of time the cat toys have built up to – he calculates – account for nearly all the dark matter in the universe. Some have taken Cheesetoastie’s work even further and suggested that the big bang itself was caused by a cosmic cat knocking a proto-universe off a shelf. Although originally sceptical many cosmologists and physicists, especially those with cats, are starting to come around to this explanation.

Dark energy, Cheesetoastie contends, is the difference between the amount cats consume and the amount of energy they actually expend, through sleeping through most of the day. On a cosmic scale, Cheesetoastie said, this would account for all the dark energy in the universe.

Cheesetoastie’s theories also account for the rate of cosmic expansion with the galaxies getting further and further apart from each other as the cosmic cats chase the stars and their solar systems further and further apart.

Occasionally of course, the cosmic cat force will knock a star or two into an inaccessible region of space-time. This Cheesetoastie believes accounts for the both the existence of black holes and their formation. Although, some cosmologists believe the cosmic cats create black holes when they use the universal litter tray. After all, everyone knows that cats bury their waste and a black hole would be a logical explanation for this phenomenon.

Consequently, Cheesetoastie’s theories do go a great way towards understanding some of the more unusual aspects of the universe that we inhabit. It would also go some way towards explaining why wherever we go there always seems to be at least one cat already there. Conclusive proof says  Cheesetoastie that cats are a fundamental force of nature.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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