Parkingspace Bewlideredswan is probably the world’s leading 21st-century political theorist. Political Science up until the middle of the Twentieth Century assumed that there was some point to politics. However, as events in the late 1970s proved, Left Wing political theories although they did sound nice, never did or could work. Alternatively, it was demonstrated over the following few decades that Right Wing political policies only buggered things up in different ways to those inept policies from the Left.
As more and more people realised that politics was at best useless and at worse caused more harm than good, many decided that politics was a waste of time.
Instead, they concluded that shiny handheld gadgets, which included user-definable beepy noises and high-resolution cat pictures, were far more interesting than debating the constraints mere reality placed upon either political side’s economic and social fantasies.
It became increasingly evident that there was a crisis of legitimacy in politics. It appeared that soon humanity would leave politics behind, as it had done with most past religions as superstitions of a simpler age.
However, there were a large number of politicians eager that their careers and the careers of their democratically-elected offspring should ride the various local, national and supranational gravy trains for as long as they could keep them on the rails.
It was here that Bewlideredswan’s political theories came to the aid of an ailing political class. He, in an earlier paper, pointed out that Left-Wing policies, when implemented, invariably resulted in a financial crisis when the governing party ran out of other people’s money. While Right-wing policies usually ended up with the country sunk in a miasma of crony capitalism, corporatism and pointless, expensive cafes selling vaguely coffee-flavoured warm milky drinks on every street corner.
It was Bewlideredswan’s contention that the root cause of a country’s political problems, regardless of whether they elected a Right-Wing or a Left-Wing government, was not due to the policies of either side. Both were short-term stopgap fixes. All intended to boost their own support while scuppering that of the opposition, despite whatever rhetoric the political class dressed them in.
Bewlideredswan pointed out that it is his inviolable law of politics that politics itself can only ever make things worse, never better. He argued that politicians can take something that almost works and make it much, much worse and they can take something that doesn’t work very well, or at all, and make it absolutely terrible.
It seemed that as experience and history bore out Bewlideredswan’s thesis, that the world’s various populations would soon shunt the political gravy train into a siding as they realised the pointlessness of the whole endeavour.
However, much to the relief of the politicians around the world Bewlideredswan came up with a solution. A solution that enabled government at a local, national, and supranational – such as the EU, G8 and UN – to continue, and allow politicians to get their hands on all the generous expense accounts and nubile research assistants they needed.
Bewlideredswan came up with his two rules of universal government, which enabled politics to continue into the 21st century and beyond. His two rules were:
1./ What the government can’t ban, it should tax.
2./ What a government can’t tax, it should ban.
Many governments around the world at all levels have tried Bewlideredswan two rules of politics. All of them have found the rules work so well, that the politicians in those governments and their democratically-elected sons and daughters will have jobs for life, well into the foreseeable future for many generations of politicians to come.