The Naked Gardener

Now world-famous for trimming her bush live on BBC3.142’s Naked Gardening, Herbaceous Seedling has become a horticultural media sensation. Countless millions of viewers have watched her uncanny prowess with handling a dibber on web video Sites. Her naked gardening DVDs have outsold not only the top-selling porn DVDs but also the recordings of semi-naked actors doing a bit of sweaty scything in historical dramas set in Cornwall.

Many TV critics have put Seedling’s success down to the way her buds are always perky during filming, and how she holds the camera’s attention even when bending down for a bit of light weeding, as well as looking very sexy dressed only in a pair of wellies, gardening gloves and a sun hat.

There were – inevitably – complaints and cries of attention-seeking outrage when the BBC announced they were jumping on the naked gardening bandwagon.

The craze for getting your kit off for a bit of mulching seems to have taken the British Isles by storm over the last few years. Despite the almost constant drizzle and the propensity for gnats and other insects to regard any expanse of naked flesh as a veritable banquet, Britain’s gardeners have flocked to this new way of getting out into their gardens and delving into their bushes with alacrity.

Even the leader of the Labour party – not known for ever doing anything interesting or normal – has claimed that he sometimes wear only a vest when out on his allotment. However, not even tabloid journalists have provided strong enough of stomach to attempt to verify this with any photographic evidence even with long-range lenses.

Other politicians too have tried to appear to resemble human beings by posing naked with a hoe, much to the general indifference of the British public. Celebrities too have tried taking their clothes off, sometimes in greenhouses or garden sheds with an artfully placed seed catalogue used in a vain attempt to create some kind of marketable mystique around their brand value, but to little or no great interest to the general populace. After all, most people these days have seen the accidentally, or pseudo-illegal release of celebrities’ more intimate selfies enough to find that most celebrities when naked are almost indistinguishable from ordinary people without the benefit of makeup artists and well-placed lighting.

These days it seems people much prefer the honesty and straightforwardness of Herbaceous Seedling and her no-nonsense approach to getting naked and dirty down in her seedbed, or weeding her borders.

For example, many viewers regard the live edition of Naked Gardening where Seedling not only trims her bush but also displays the fresh firmness of her melons for the cameras as a classic of the live TV art. After all, the live TV ‘special’ is a form of programme that consist mostly of a tedious studio discussion of what the live cameras missed when they were doing their last studio discussion.

Instead, Seedling just gets everything out and lays it before the camera so that the viewing audience can get a good a sense of what naked gardening actually feels like from the comfort of their own sofas.

A feeling that – it seems -most viewers find fully satiating.

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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