The Philosophy of Bacon Sandwiches

‘Each donkey is unique in its own way. Then again so is each mandolin. However, approaching the wrong donkey with the wrong mandolin is not recommended. Nor – for that matter – is approaching the right donkey with the wrong mandolin.’

As many of those who have studied philosophy will recognise, those are the words of the great post-neo-realist prephenominalistional philosopher Bert ‘Bert’ Presupposition. Not only did Presupposition come up with what is undoubtedly the greatest examination of the complex relationship between donkeys and mandolins in the whole of philosophy, he also claimed with evidence to back up his claim, that the bacon sandwich was undoubtedly mankind’s greatest achievement.

Of course, so many have studied the bacon sandwich from the time of the enlightenment when Descartes claimed it was the Mesopotamians who first came up with the idea of putting bacon between two slices of bread. Later, Newton’s early work on the theoretical differences between tomato ketchup and brown sauce and which produced the most mathematical accurate bacon sandwich. There has been a great deal of work in the hard sciences and theoretical philosophical speculation on what Plato himself called the ‘ideal’ bacon sandwich.

There are those that chose white bread and those that chose brown. This was one of the major contributing factors to what later became known as the 100 Years War which ravaged most of Europe as the two competing armies clashed over which bread was best with no side coming out as clear victor.

An uneasy truce grew between the two sides as neither could get an overwhelming advantage. However, during the great tide of European empire building of later centuries it soon became clear that there were those who prefer their bacon fried and those who preferred to grill the bacon. Although these days we find it hard to believe that whole countries would go to war over such matters, those were very different times as any student of history who has had to pointlessly memorise dates of great historical events will tell you – if they remember correctly.

Eventually, too the great European empires managed to settle down into a form of stability with those preferring grilled or fried bacon establishing their ideals of civilised behaviour throughout their far-flung empires. There were outbreaks of rebellion when those colonised people rose up against the oppression of their imperial masters who grilled or fried their bacon in opposition to the tradition of that local culture, but these rebellions were brutally suppressed in most cases. Although the more liberally-minded British Empire was not so doctrinaire as some other empires.

However, when the countries of Europe began to divide over ketchup or brown sauce at the beginning of the twentieth century, it was not long before the war to end all bacon sandwich wars broke out.

After those bloody pointless years, the Treaty of Versailles set up a European-wide free condiment zone, based on the work of Presupposition and others.

From then an uneasy peace reigned – for a while anyway – until the rise of Hitler and his demand that despite the treaty of Versailles the German people – the people of a greater Germany – should be free to choose what they put on their own bacon sandwiches. Despite being a vegetarian, Hitler was well aware of the great German love for pork products and cynically used it to further his own ambitions.

The rest is history.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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