Size is Important

Even so, there is a lot to be said for the cautious approach, especially if she is engrossed in one of her favourite TV programmes at the time. There is – I’ve found – nothing more disconcerting to the lady of the household than interrupting her when she is engrossed. Particularly if the aforementioned drama is getting to a good bit that could involve the removal of the protagonist’s shirt for some strenuous scything.

It is best therefore to wait until the end of the programme, or an advertising break – depending on how urgent the need.

If you are luck, and it is one of those programmes, she could be sufficiently aroused to want to respond to your advances.

Of course, it is wise to remember than a lot of the subsequent activity will be powered by fantasy. For no matter how many websites, brochures or advertising leaflets you both paw through in the throes of ecstasy, you must remember that – unless you are unduly well-blessed in that department – nearly all the new kitchen designs you peruse together will be far beyond your budget. Most of them will be – and be prepared to be disappointed – equivalent to the price of your bus ticket compared to the NASA Apollo program.

For despite what she sees on TV, the design of your house precludes having one of those enormous kitchens now seemingly de-rigour in all TV dramas. In these programmes, where – apart from the bedroom – most of the action takes place, including quite often act of sexual congress pressed up against the top of the range fridge, or on the marble countertop of the designer units.

Not only is the fridge in such dramas often bigger than your whole kitchen, it was your unwise attempt to create a scene from a recent TV drama that broke one of your kitchen cabinets, and brought about this urgent need on her part for a new kitchen.

As the title above says, size is important.

Not only is the size of your actual kitchen going to limit the kind of design – and the size of the fridge – it will also necessarily limit the kinds of amorous activity that can take place in there.

Take, for example, that recent dramatic scene with the tub of butter, a bottle of champagne and the hot Ukrainian nanny in the hit detective series of last year. If you are thinking staging your own erotic homage to that, you will have to remember that you will be limited in the available space between the washing machine and the dog’s bed to spread out like that on a pool of melting butter, especially with the price of butter these days. After forking out that much for your new kitchen, you’ll be lucky to afford a cheap bottle of sparkling rose, let alone Champagne. Rather than inviting the sexy Latvian au pair to join you for a threesome, you’ll be fortunate to get the nod from the divorcee with the limp from two doors down.

So not only is size in a physical sense a limiting factor, there is also the size of your budget. What you are capable of affording is nowhere near the available budget of those people who rent their homes out to the makers of TV dramas.

Quite simple, you don’t move in their circles, or even in their East European cleaner’s circle. So there is little chance of ever getting one of those kitchens, no matter how much both of you dream. So close that laptop, recycle the brochures and leaflets, and switch off the TV and just have sex with each other instead.