Well, to be honest – despite this being a blog post – it is not all that often at all, not these days.
I suppose it is inevitable in a way; as you grow older that sort of thing becomes, well, not exactly uninteresting. You do though begin to wonder if it is worth the trouble.
After all, she is no longer in the first flush of youth – through no fault of her own – doesn’t quite look so alluring in the peep-hole cardigan, deep-sea diver’s helmet and fisherman’s waders as she did when young and in love.
Of course, these days you struggle to fit into the duffle coat and the welding gloves are a bit snug these days. But, at least the bobble hat hides the bald patch.
Neither of you are as adept with the croquet mallets as you once were, so the foreplay can suffer a bit when you cannot get the peaks in your meringue as stiff as they used to be.
On the other hand taking your time does have advantages, even if it is only giving yourselves an extra half hour during the half-time break before changing ends.
These days you may always appreciate a nice cup of tea at that stage too. Also, there is more time to enjoy the cakes. Although it is wise to make time to check each other’s bodily creases and crevasses for errant crumbs these days, thereby creating a stage of foreplay that in the more mature years gives far more opportunity for exploration than the taut skin of youth.
Not only that, the advance of modern technology means that you no longer have to hurry in fear of missing a favourite TV programme. Nowadays, with the plethora of recording options and catch up TV there is little chance of missing that must watch episode because she tied the knots too tight on the bondage gear… again.
So it is not all doom and gloom, even though it may not occur with the intensity of the first time you smeared lime jelly on each other’s erogenous zones, or shared a bath of warm custard. At least there is a great deal of experience in making sure the custard is not too hot and that the jelly is firm enough, but – of course – not to firm for you to achieve mutual satisfaction.
The sandwich fillings tend to get better too, with both of you knowing what you want and – of course – avoiding any unfortunate mood killing side-effects from too much sweet pickle, for example.
So, even though you may need a few more cushions and a bit of help getting into the more advanced positions in the manual, there are advantages to growing older.
Except of course for forgetting where you left the devices and needing your glasses to read the instructions on how to change the batteries.
Oh, and apart from the occasional mishap when you mistake the TV remote control for the Rampant Rabbit and try to bring her to climax with an episode of Question Time, instead of the pleasurable sensations she was expecting.
Of course, though with advancing age she does tend to forget your failings much more quickly than in the past, and your growing deafness means you can’t hear her complaining anyway.