Anti-Social Media

Dolequeue Stringdiseases is probably best known these days as the inventor of the social media site GetOutofMyFace. GetOutofMyFace is probably the least welcoming and most toxic of the social media sites.

But that was Stringdiseases great insight.

This insight made him a multibillionaire at the relatively young age – even for Silicon Valley – of 13. Now, ten years later GetOutofMyFace claims twice as many active users as there are people on the planet,  and it is about to be launched on the stock market

‘I noticed,’ Stringdiseases said in a recent interview. ‘that people actually don’t really like one another all that much. I suppose it has a lot to do with my age at the time. I’d recently become a teenager and almost overnight I went from a family normal – if oddly obsessive – boy to a raging mass of anger and hormones. It was only then I realised that the rest of the world’s population were blithering idiots and I hated all of them. I also saw that people mostly wanted to use social media to show off the sort of lifestyle they wanted others to believe they had, of course. But most of all people want to call everyone else an idiot. There is nothing like thinking you are smarter than everyone else and they are all blind, gullible idiots for thinking what they think. It can get your day off to a bright start, or send you to bed feeling smugly self-righteous and right about everything.’

Of course, we all know that out political opponents, supporters of other football teams, and even those with different religious or dietary choices to our own, are all complete cretins who don’t deserve our time or energy, except of course to put them right about their myriad failings. We all at one time or another – or most of the time, according to the latest research – feel that we need to point out to everyone just how wrong they are and how their choices and beliefs make them unfit to use the same supermarket as us.

‘I realised,’ Stringdiseases said. ‘That what we want is not social media, but anti-social media. We don’t want to see our friends’ holiday photos, unless they went to a cheaper resort than we did, or have significantly fatter thighs than ours. We do not want to see what they’ve been eating at those restaurants we are not hip enough to go to, or afford when we get there. We especially don’t want to be exposed to their political views. That is unless we can sneer, moan, complain and take them to task for their life choices. So I invented GetOutofMyFace.’

As we all know from our now-obsessive use of the site, there are no Likes or upticks on GetOutofMyFace. There are buttons to click showing how much you disapprove, dislike , don’t like or actively hate whatever those you ‘befriend’ on the site post on their wall. There is even a button that allows you to – virtually – piss over the wall of anyone you think has a better-looking life partner than you, and buttons to ridicule their choice of car, holiday destination and meals.

What has surprised everyone in the world, except Stringdiseases, of course, is how popular the site became so quickly. But as he himself says. ‘I was a teenager at the time. I knew what it was like to hate everyone and how good that made me feel.’ Which is why he is the multibillionaire and we are all hopelessly addicted to his web site.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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