Offendatron 5000

These days it is growing increasingly difficult for people to keep up with social media, especially if they have accounts on more than one platform. For most people, this is not much of a problem as most of their social media consists of liking cat pictures and standing in front of their own camera in significantly picturesque locations.

However, for those who like to play at political activism, and for active members of the various political tribes who stalk the social media sites, there is a problem. They find increasingly difficult to have enough time to be outraged by the acts, actions and typing of their opponents.

‘I hardly have time to go to protests anymore,’ said Whiny Selflove, a student at one of the world’s most prestigious universities. ‘I have to keep up with so many social media accounts , exposing the privilege of the elites and calling them out on what I like to see as their racism, sexism and general poor taste in menu choices. It is getting so bad my studies are beginning to suffer, but more importantly it is beginning to adversely affect my own social media profile.’

For those needing to be outraged by other people’s posts, tweets, photos, memes, gifs, or any other material, the demand on their attention from the various social media platforms is constantly increasing each day. Consequently, several app makers have been working hard trying to find a solution to the problem.

Fortunately, software developer HardOnSoft has come through with a solution with their new app: Offendatron 5000.

As they say on the Offendatron 5000 website: ‘The Offendatron 5000 is a social media bot that gets offended on your behalf, because there are far too many things for one person to be offended by in any one day. ‘

The company developed a new form of AI for the Offendatron 5000. As one of the developers said, ‘the AI we use in not artificial intelligence as such. Instead the AI we use is Artificial Indignation. The app can detect by itself – using parameters learnt from its users – just what the user finds offensive and can automatically respond in a number of ways depending on how outrageous the message is, and what platform it is on.’

This enables the user to carry on looking at cat pictures and retweeting the Instagram of their sandwiches while the bot trawls the rest of the social media sites searching for things it has learnt its user will be outraged by, and automatically composing a suitably caustic retort.

‘It is amazing.,’ Whiny Selflove said when she tried the app. ‘I thought I was getting indignantly outraged by everything on the social media sites that questioned my simplistic worldview, But the Offendatron 5000 has found thousands more accounts I can boycott , harass or demand the site take down. It seems there are millions of people out there who are wrong. I need to stalk, harass and pester them all until they are totally destroyed and taken down. I need to go after these posters so they lose their job and family and are left totally distraught by my outrage. All I can do is thank Offendatron 5000 for the noble work it does on my behalf. I also suggest that everyone else in my tribe gets an Offendatron 5000 of their own, so we can purge the universe of all the people who think differently from us.’


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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